lazarus

 Dad was in hospital and the plan was to get him into a dementia unit. One day last week I went to visit him and the ward had been locked to stop him leaving. Another time he was wearing his pyjama pants as a scarf and telling me about the blizzard which would kill me.

On Saturday he needed a shower and I asked if it was possible and was told they needed clean clothes for him. There were clean singlets, shirts and underwear available but not trousers and I felt that I was being shamed so I went to the closest discount store and bought three pairs of trousers. It was quite late and I couldn't see any nurses so I dropped the trousers and hoped they would put them on him.

For me, those trousers have become a symbol of the week we have had.

Sunday lunch time I took Mum to visit and the ward was unlocked, there was a nurse stationed at the door to Dads room and I thought that must be a bad sign so I asked how he was. 

We were shocked to find out that Dad had been found unresponsive in his bed with a heart rate too slow to sustain life. Doctors wanted permission to implant a pace maker but we declined. Mum and I agreed that the dementia was causing such mental distress that extending life was not what we wanted to do.

And so, dad was medicated to keep his heart going long enough for goodbyes and we expected that when the drugs were stopped he would slip into a sleep and then a coma and death.

As it happened, the drugs were stopped on Monday and Dad inexplicably maintained consciousness. He was sleepy and weak but had a great day on Tuesday: reading the paper, calling friends and chatting. We thought we were seeing "the rally" and Wednesday might be the last of his days but he has gradually got stronger, is again getting out of bed and unfortunately the delusions seem to be returning. He is too well to be in hospital and we are back at the point where we need to arrange for him to go into aged care.

Dad became a palliative patient when we decided against a pace maker and so there is no monitoring and we don't know what his heart rhythmn is doing but arrythmias like his don't fix themselves so we assume it is still not working properly and he will decline. It might be a slow decline or a cardiac arrest but having maintained a death bed vigil since Sunday we have all realised that life must go on.

It's been a very strange week and who knows what will be next.

Brutal

 So much has happened in the last four days. I don't have the will to write it all down and one day I might regret that. Maybe I will see fit to write a more full record at another time.

I came home from holiday on Tuesday night and had made a decision to go and stay with Dad in an attempt to offer extra support. He has been fearful and agitated for a couple of weeks, I had asked for help from the dementia helpline and the GP and had made a small amount of progress but I was not happy with the amount of distress Dad was experiencing.

He woke me during the night, in a loop of fear. In the morning it was hard to settle him for breakfast and then i regretfully left to go to work. On the same day, Mum came home from three months in hospital and I had hoped it would be reassuring. I cut the work day short to be with my parents for Mum's transition to home. Dad was suspicious and irritable with me, hiding from me and also making threatening gestures. 

I managed to establish that he didn't know who I was and I decided to make sure Mum was in bed then leave. I didn't want to go to sleep there. It was a good plan but like everything I try to achieve for my parents, too little, too late.

Dad barged into me and made threatening punching gestures. I was unhurt but felt unsafe and was unsure about leaving Mum.

I called the police but Dad soon fell asleep and as there was no threat, they made it clear that they didn't like me calling them and then left. My mistake was calling the wrong service.

The following day I returned to the family home and called an ambulance for Dad. He wasn't showing any sign of violence but he was distressed and who knows when the next episode of violence might happen. Or who to.

Less than 24 hours after Mum's return home, I was sending Dad away. Mum wasn't happy and has for a long time been frustrating in her refusal to accept that Dad is actually sick. She was critical of my actions and I got into a screaming match with her. The policeman who was accompanying the ambulance came back inside after having left to reprimand me on my treatment of my mother. I can't blame him, I was out of control but it was a cruel twist in a situation which i have been desperately trying to improve for many months.

Dad has been admitted to hospital and the doctors have agreed that he is suffering greatly. They will start him on antipsychotics in an attempt to improve his state of mind.

Mum is alone at home and I can't trust myself to deal with her hectoring so she remains alone. 

And the thing that keeps going round in my head is the recent time Dad asked me to take him to his favourite coffee shop but the access is difficult so I said no and now maybe I have lost my chance to give him that tiny bit of joy. 

The Indian Pacific

 I know Andrew will want to know all about the train and I am feeling the pressure because he is probably interested in things I barely notice! Good luck, Andrew!

Off the train in the now uninhabited town of Cook, while we picked up water.

The view changes all the time.

Gold class. I walked two carriages to the lounge car.

Fabulous food every time.

The lounge car before dawn. I should have cleaned the lens. You get the idea though.

A beautiful dining room.

My cabin/ bed. It was very small but surprisingly comfortable and the chocolate on the pillow comes from a factory local to me.

Vic joined us for a couple of meals. He was lovely.

The cabin with the bed up.

I had a single cabin and shared the bathroom with three others. I never once waited for the bathroom and it was a great deal bigger and more luxurious than ensuite bathroom in the larger cabins for two.

I found the off-train excursions disappointing but the train experience was wonderful. My cabin was comfortable but I spent most of my time in the lounge car because why have one window when you can have many? With drinks.
The food was excellent, the service was also excellent as well as warm and friendly.

Sleeping on the train was an acquired skill. We woke a few times on the first night and woke less each night. The broken sleep is made up for because everyone turns in quite early.