Responsibility

 After my mum's last hospitalisation I wrote about delirium. My reflections on that hospitalisation and on the recovery led me to question whether I should not have given consent for the procedure she had. It was a tough time for her and I am still not sure if I could have made another choice.

Knowing that these decisions are not going to get easier, I recently asked mum about her wishes for the future. "I don't want any treatment, leave me alone and let what happens, happen"

I can respect this view but I didn't feel that mum's behaviour matched her words so I asked again:

"So, you'd be happy to just stay in bed and be looked after until you die?"

"I didn't say that! Why are you asking me this?"

I explained that I want, in fact need, to understand her wishes because there may come a time when she can't advocate for herself.

Mum told me it was not my decision to make, that she can choose, that her doctors will choose. And on it went. 

I interpret her resistance to my genuine enquiries as evidence that my understanding was correct. She doesn't want to decline all treatments, she has an expectation of continuing to live and be treated and make decisions for herself. The unfortunate part is that she doesn't make decisions any more. Ask her if she wants chicken or fish and she will say a sandwich. 

All of this has been weighing on me intermittently. Mum is very frail and has several non-healing wounds. There is a very strong likelihood that one day, a wound will be infected or she will develop pneumonia and if I am to have any chance of handling the situation I need to be considering options before the crisis comes.

And I don't know why I have written all of that in present tense because mum's care manager updated me last week to say that we have very few options left for mum. Heart failure is impeding her circulation, which is why her wounds don't heal. She is on all the heart drugs, diuretics and blood thinners she can be on and she is no longer strong enough to survive a surgery.

What all of that means is, if mum has a sudden decline for any reason, there are very few options left for her.

It would seem that my efforts to understand Mum's wishes have become almost redundant and I am glad I don't have to carry that but I am not glad of the reason.

For the moment she is well so I shove all of that to the back of my mind, take her treats and try to mollify the irrational, complaining person she has become.

A good week

When I started at the job I am in, I shared the job and I was doing two days/ week. After a while my colleague went off on maternity leave and I hoped to work her days until she came back. It took a while for everything to shuffle into place but I did eventually pick up her days.

This week, I was told that my colleague has resigned and I was invited to apply for the position on a permanent basis.

This is very good.

The job is low paid and exhausting but it makes me feel alive and the low pay is more tolerable when there are more hours.

It has been a long time hope of mine to go to a Christmas in July dinner but for years now I have not booked anything early and as July progressed I have run out of time to squeeze in a Christmas in July event. 

This year, my daughter Briony organised and paid for me before I could miss out for another year.

Last night I went with Briony and Caitlin to "Yulefest" at the Hydromajestic, a lovely old hotel in the Blue Mountains. 

The hotel  is gorgeous, the service was sublime, the five courses were all wonderful, there were twinkling lights and Christmas music. It was just a lovely evening.

Having ticked that off my bucket list, I will be content if I don't do it again. That's not to say I wouldn't do it again, just that it was lovely but there are other restaurants, festivals and joys to experience.

I am so blessed by my kid's generosity to me and wish I had done these kinds of things with my own mum but the whole dynamic was different. 

Just a few years ago I tried to take mum and dad out for a delicious brunch but they ate beforehand and then didn't want more than coffee. In many ways mum and dad were quite modern but an "expensive" brunch was a bridge too far.

Today, my grown children, partners and grandson came "home" to celebrate the twins' birthday with cake. It was good. The young fella was particularly keen to hang out with "Keegy" as he calls his uncle and Keegy was happy to oblige. Many guavas were pulled from the tree and dandelions picked before a quick return to mum and then back out the door with upturned palm opening and closing "Keegy Come"  

Mural on Thursday

 

Well I am sure you all know by now that I took the trip to the funeral. 

When things seemed to keep going badly I thought I should have listened to the people here who advised against it but the problems didn't happen because I had been unwell so it was just one of those things.

I drove to Goulburn on Thursday night and as I got into town I had problems with my Google Maps and couldn't find my accommodation. I ended up phoning my daughter for directions and interrupting a night out.

Then I couldn't for the life of me find the cabin in the caravan park. Then there was no handrail on the steps into the cabin so I had to do a strange pull-yourself-up manouvre. What should have been a two hour drive was over three.

In the morning I had a 2.5 hour drive to do but there had been a fatal truck crash and there was a long diversion. I can't complain, I am alive.

The diversion and ongoing navigational difficulties made me forty minutes  late for the funeral. Embarassing but in the circumstances punctuality didn't matter.

Grenfell, a town of under 3000, had five funerals last week so there was no accommodation available in town and I stayed at my friend's family home. The first and only time I will see her in her childhood environment. I had always wanted to do that and now I have. I also met her brother, an interesting man.

When I did my silo art tour a couple of years back, I didn't make it to Grenfell so now I have seen the silos, painted by Heesco.

The photo is not mine, I saw the silos at night and forgot to get a daytime photo

The problems made the whole trip feel like I had to use every bit of patience and persistence I have ever developed. It was a test of stamina, for sure but I feel that I was true to my values and I am happy with that.