Saturday, 27 December 2008

More than once in my life I have heard it said that it is better not to marry than to be married to the wrong person. I always find this to be a fascinating subject. Being an utter romantic I love, adore & cherish the idea of a wonderful partner, someone who seems to complete us, someone who is "perfect" for us, someone who fills the ideal of "the one".

I also believe that "the one" can easily become "not the one". The initial sense of having found an ideal partner will always eventually be tempered by the reality of imperfection, of power struggle, of little irritations, of what ever it is that undoes so many relationships and it is when the rose coloured glasses come off that the real act of loving begins.

So, while I love the idea of "the one" I think it is the very deliberate decision to act with love that keeps a couple together.

I think that when the wild intensity of early attraction starts to mellow and soften it has to be replaced or enhanced by purposeful care and attention and this is where my fascination with the subject comes in.

When I think about this subject I usually have in mind the idea of an elderly couple, probably both widowed. People often seem to find it offensive to see old people marry and they can be accused of marrying "for convenience". It seems to me to be a strange accusation. When an elderly couple wish to find companionship and tenderness, to be valued in a partnership, they are accused of marrying for convenience but aren't their reasons really the same as if they were in their twenties? And if they want to spend the rest of their life without grand passion but with warmth and respect, what is wrong with that? And who are we to say that there is no grand passion?

Anyway, the questions I'm asking don't just apply to wizened old widows they apply to us all:

If we haven't met "the one" but we have met someone who we get along with, someone who we can communicate with, someone with similar values, can we skip the wild animal attraction phase and go straight to the purposeful care and attention stage?

and if we do that will we end up with a positive, life affirming relationship ?

or will we end up "stuck" with the "wrong person" wishing we were alone ?

What do you think?


  1. Hi Kylie, dropping by via Kookaburra. I have just started back in Blogdom- Kooks said I should visit a few of his blogger friends. I know you are a person of faith- I would welcome your opininon on whether or not to make my blog 'invited only'. You and your friends are all very open with what you share with the world- and while this is good- because it allows people like me to make friends too- do you not worry that it may leave you vulnerable- or that people you may not know about are reading about your lives? I only started my blog yesterday and though my first comment might be from Kooks! But no! From some guy in Canada-(take a look) how did he find my blog?? I think I am naive- maybe blogger advertise new blogs??
    re your question on relationships- I think the person you have your children with is usually 'the one' even if you eventually part- the life we choose is the life we live-and it is a choice in the end of being alone or not.

  2. hey cinnamon,
    if i had started with an invitation only blog i wouldnt have made the friends i have!
    i dont really care that people i dont know read about my life, if they are interested in my ramblings they might become a friend, if they are not they will just move on silently.
    i am careful only to blog about the stuff i am happy to have public and you can do the same. interestingly, if i censor myself it is because i might be concerned about it being read by someone from my "real" life, the bloggers i know dont say anything negative, they might respectfully disagree or stay silent but they dont hurt each other.
    i guess what i'm saying is that if you make your blog invite only you could be losing some wonderful opportunities

    thanks for dropping by

  3. Thanks Kylie, that helps a lot. From what I have read it certainly seems you are a part of a wonderfully warm group of bloggers! Here's to BlogWisdom!
    Cinnamon x

  4. I think that absolutely, positively one can marry and be happy with a friend for whom the fires of passion don't necessarily burn...and also can stay with a spouse after the passion has gone to simmer.

    Being with Sarge for so many many years now, I've given this a lot of thought. I'm committed to being with him for the long haul, and of course the relationship has changed from the early days of wild emotion...however, we're both very intense and passionate people, so our marriage hasn't been exactly "tamed." Sometimes the intensity is incendiary. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be in a more sedate relationship. I don't think it would be a bad thing really.

    I think marriage is a partnership, and there are many ways to define that.

  5. Thought provoking.

    "If we haven't met "the one" but we have met someone who we get along with, someone who we can communicate with, someone with similar values, can we skip the wild animal attraction phase and go straight to the purposeful care and attention stage?"

    I sure would. But I haven't found the someone.

  6. Wow... such a thought provoking post...

    I think there are probably a few 'ones' out there for everyone... kindred spirits...

    But skipping the wild animal attraction phase?

    AM i the only bloke in here today ?lol

    Lotsa love my friend,


  7. hey m,
    i'm not in favour of skipping the animal attraction, in fact i'd like it forever :)
    but you know, if it's not gonna happen i think i'd rather warm & friendly than alone

  8. oh , and the other blokes are keeping quiet!

  9. bob,

    i bet you have some thoughts on this ?

  10. IV

    i bet you have some thoughts too....

  11. leah,
    i'm glad someone understood what i was talking about !

  12. megan,
    he'll show up sometime

    when you least expect

    but i bet you get sick of people saying that!!

  13. Thank God for M. Maithri, do you know why a love you so? Because you're honest and brave. You never hesitate. Kylie, I'm heading to Aussie Land. Or is it Africa, or Aussie Land? Jeasus, I'm so confused about which plane to get on! And Kylie, you know why I love Leah? Because she's honest and brave. Okay, I'm headed back to NY. Now this is the real question. Do I go to Aussie Land, Africa or NY first? What? This is insane!

    And then there's Cinnamon. Ohhhhhhhhhhh sweetie. People are going to find you because blogging is public. I know Kylie and I are thinking the same thing and we're laughing. If we'd gone private we wouldn't have met and we wouldn't have all these amazing friends. Life would be a freakin' bore! If you're really worried, go private, but if you have adventure in your soul, stay public and have the time of your life. If someone comes on who offends you, just hit the delete button. But try to remember something, just because someone may disagree with you doesn't mean they're offensive and should be deleted. You should be challenged. You should think. I's important to look outside your own world. It helps you grow. If you shut the world out and live in a cocoon, then, you're just living in a cocoon. Cinnamon, do you know what I love most about Kylie? Not just that she's an awesome woman, but that I swear like a sailor and she still reads everything I write and I honestly believe she loves me!!! She has become a dear, dear friend and I love her equally. If we'd gone private we'd never know this bliss!

    Kylie. I love you. I got the magnet yesterday!!!! And the card!!! Oh my God. Thanks sweetie. Well, the magnet's on the frig and the card is attached to it by the magnet! You little sweetie. What you wrote means the world to me. Thank you my darling friend. I love you very much. Thank you. But one thing. Your writing sucks. I can barely understand your return address. Can you email that to me? In something resembling English? Thanks! Oh, and as I did, write it exactely as it should be written on the envelope. What? I'm not that smart!

    Now about your thought provoking question. I will never measure up to Leah's response because she really is a gifted writer, but I think I'm going through a divorce, so have the real answer. I just don't have the will to share it. At least not right now. Way too painful. Let's meet same time next year. I'll have it. 30 years suddenly over. I could compromise and keep it, or let go and be alone. Women face challenges every single day.

    I love you darling and everytime I walk into the kitchen and look at the magnet, I smile. Thank you

    Beautiful post darling. Good luck. You'll find your voice.

  14. suzie,
    a divorce?
    am i hallucinating??

    you wanna tell us about it?

    and what you said about you swearing and me listening? well, have you been to zacks place today?

    love you babe

  15. Dear Suzy, as Kylie said, we're here if you want to talk!

    I'm leaving this here just because.


  16. It's funny. I finished writing, cried and went to bed. I just woke up and ran in here to delete because I couldn't believe I'd written it. I'm laughing and crying at the same time now because I know I can't delete. The two of you have made that completely impossible!!! I'm laughing because it's too funny and I'm also laughing because I have true friends. And they're on the internet!!! God I love the two of you.

    I'll write an email and send it to both of you. Then one day perhaps I'll share more on my blog. Right now it's pretty painful and I'm confused. I'm surprised I wrote what I did, but after reading Sausage Mechanic's very private, honest post and then yours, it came out when you asked the question, is is better to be alone. I've never been alone and I'm quickly discovering it's often heartbreaking. If I hadn't lost so much money in the recent economic downturn it might be much easier because I'd still feel secure financially. Now I don't even feel that. I think I'm just scared because I've always been a woman of independant means. To have everything yanked out from under me is mind bending.

    Thanks for your support and love. It means a great deal to me. I'm here for the two of you as well. Don't forget that.

    XO Suze

    P.S. If someone told me a year ago I'd be here today, I wouldn't have believe them. I wouldn't have believed this would be my life Monday, 12/29/2008 at 2:47 AM. Not in a millions years.

  17. Hi Suzy--It's okay you didn't delete, more than okay! Whatever happens, whatever is going on with you, and whatever comes out of it in the end, it's still okay to talk as you go along, you know?

    p.s. Hi Kylie!


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