Saturday 31 March 2018

A Feast of Strangers



On Thursday evening I had the opportunity to attend an event "designed promote empathy at the community level". 
I went with my daughter, Briony to what was once a bowling green and has been redeveloped to become an urban farm/ restaurant/ childcare centre. The venue alone fascinates me, being in the very inner most suburbs of Sydney, it is not what anyone would expect to find so close to the city.

We made  our way  through a wedding party to the outdoor dining area (visible in the top right corner of the photo) The evening was breezy and warmish, a nice to place to be at  the end of a hot and humid day. Every participant was given a small piece of paper with a picture on it and had to find the person with the matching illustration. This was our partner for the evening and we were to have dinner with this person, a complete stranger. There was a "conversation menu" on each table and we were invited to use the questions on the paper as starting points for the evening's conversation.

I was matched to a delightful, articulate young journalist. He was open and perceptive, sharing some  intimate thoughts about his life's journey. The food was delicious if not generous and my young partner offered me a  hug at the end of the night. It was a refreshingly different thing to do and if there is another one organised, I will be first in line.

24 comments:

  1. I hope that the young journalist gave you space to talk too so that the end balance of the dinner conversation was 50/50.

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  2. It sounds like a lovely evening. One that I suspect I would have wimped out on. Thank you for the report. If they ever come to my city I might just put on my big girl panties and attend.

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    1. It wasn't at all scary but it might have been a lot more awkward if I had been allocated a different partner.

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    2. Your huge love of people would make it right up your street!

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  3. I read an article in Time Magazine (maybe you get a version of it) recently in which it was stated that people who go through "diversity training" come out feeling persecuted if they're white and male, and convinced that white males hate them even more than they had previously imagined if they're anything but white and male.

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    1. I have observed some white males who feel persecuted if anyone even points out their privilege. Generally speaking, the most privileged people have no idea of how life has favoured them.
      I watched an interesting video recently where a trans woman talked about what a shock it was to become a woman and how many times she had to repeat herself or justify herself in ways she wouldn't have needed to as a man

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    2. The problem is that few white males don't feel privileged simply by virtue of their gender and race because all manner of other factors enter into who's on top of the societal pyramid--wealth and age for example. I heard a female country music star talking about her poor and ignorant coal miner father, how exploited ahe was, her point being that it's absurd to generalize, to say that, since he was male and white, the world was his oyster, so he needed to acknowledge how good he had it and admit that he was keeping other people down. To put a lot of people in a room and to say to the white men present that the problems of of everyone else was their fault, so they needed to feel bad about themselves and start respecting diversity is nothing but politically correct B.S., a way for some people to feel good by doing their damnedest to make someone else feel bad. It is for this reason, among others, that I would avoid the event you went to like the plague. Years ago, I attended a NOW meeting because I wanted to be an ally to women, but what happened is that I was trashed because I was a white male. I later heard a black woman trashing NOW members for their lily whiteness, saying that they had so little to complain about that she saw them as nothing but privileged whiners. I actually take zero responsibility for the fact that women or minorities are persecuted. To say that I'm supposed to feel guilty because my white maleness makes me a member of the "power elite" or the "persecutor class" is a non-starter? The latest buzz term here in the states is "toxic maleness," which makes about as much sense to me as saying "black criminality," or "female hysteria." If white males have it so good, why do we have to put up with being told that we're toxic, and what would be the female equivalent?

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    3. You are right about the numerous factors which influence a person's position, that is why I was careful to say "I have observed some....."
      I have to say that I know of white men who have had many advantages in life and think that everyone else could do just as well as they have if only they would try harder. The one which will stick with me forever was a photo of his dinner of quinoa, salmon and broccoli and he said everyone could be thin if they ate like him.

      The event I went to didn't attempt to train anyone or to make any statement, just to introduce two people who would never normally meet and allow them to spend an evening together. We weren't obliged to follow the conversation menu if we didn't wish to.

      I have come across the term toxic manhood many times, usually in relation to rape culture. I could be wrong but I think you would agree that the dominant culture in the US allows many men to behave in ways that are entitled, violent and lacking personal responsibility. Toxic masculinity doesn't apply to everyone but maybe it applies to enough?

      I don't expect you or anyone else to feel guilty for being white and male but I do expect that anyone who has lived a life of privilege (and that is all of us in one way or another) to accept that their privilege gives them a unique viewpoint

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    4. "I have come across the term toxic manhood many times, usually in relation to rape culture"

      "Rape culture? I'm sure that some factors are inducive to making people burglars or murderers, but I've never heard the term burglar culture or murder culture, so I wonder why the one and not the others. I listen to National Public Radio for hours a day, and I only heard the term "toxic masculinity" for the first time within the past few weeks, so while it seems to have floated around Australia for a while, I think it fair to say that it's new in the PUBLIC discourse here. However, the people who use it don't define it, the implication being that the awakened will understand it and accept its validity, whilte the unawakened are the cause of the problem as attested to by the fact that they don't understand it or accept its validity.

      "I could be wrong but I think you would agree that the dominant culture in the US allows many men to behave in ways that are entitled, violent and lacking personal responsibility."

      You're surely aware that, when it comes to the denigration of women, some places are a lot worse than the U.S., and some are at least a little better. Of the two countries that border the U.S., Canada appears to be a good bit better, while Mexico is a whole lot worse (as in India, it's unsafe for lone women to take public transit). All that aside, did you know that most women who voted in the last U.S. presidential election voted for Donald Trump despite the fact that he boasted of grabbing the genitals of women he had just met? Yet, by labeling the source of the problem as "toxic masculinity" you're implying that men alone are to blame for the denigration of women.

      "Toxic masculinity doesn't apply to everyone but maybe it applies to enough?"

      What other groups would you consider it fair to make sweeping generalizations about? How about "white bigot"? Clearly, there's something wrong with these damn white people because otherwise, your aborigines and our blacks would have it really good. Speaking of blacks, say what you will about racial prejudice in the U.S., it's also true that black people commit a disproportionate number of crimes, so would you feel good about saying, "Black criminality doesn't apply to everyone but maybe it applies to enough"? Can't you see that by tying the two words together, you imply that there is something inherently wrong with blackness, and that it's an implication that's hurtful to the individual and destructive to the society, no matter how many crimes black people as a demographic group commit? So it is that when you use the term "toxic masculinity," you're implying that masculinity is in itself problematic, and that if not carefully reigned in, men will run amuck?

      I can think of very few groups about whom it is still socially acceptable to offer sweeping and insulting generalizations, and women are clearly not one of them. I am actually in four of the others: men, white people, old people, and (in the U.S., people from the South). People who wouldn't dream of speaking of Jewish greed or feminine indecisiveness, etc. have no problem with speaking of "old white men" as if being with being old, and white, and male, is a serious character flaw. Interesting, the very people who are the most vocal critics of bigotry are often liberals who are blind to their own bigotry (which they regard as the result of their enlightenment). This is how I regard the term "toxic masculinity," which I consider a pop psychology term that is almost entirely limited to political liberals.

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    5. Snow,
      My exposure to these ideas would mostly come from US sources, though I can think of one Australian feminist whose ideas I read. Some of it comes through feminist sources and there is one Facebook page I follow which is the response of one man who feels persecuted so there is a mix of sources there. It has probably been on my radar for a couple of years, maybe a little more.
      I may be familiar with the ideas but I try to avoid making vast generalisations and I have avoided it here, preferring to discuss the ideas but not point fingers.
      I am aware that many women voted for Trump, despite the clear evidence that he is no friend to women. I would most likely attribute that to internalised misogyny but somehow I imagine that will rankle with you as well.

      I think the reason why it is more acceptable to generalise about old white men is because (in general terms) older, white men hold most of the power in our societies (yours and mine) and as the group with the most power, it is not really possible to oppress the group. The oppression of individuals from that group is another story.

      I'm sorry if this whole post and discussion wounds you. It's never my intention to hurt anyone. I have been accused of political liberalism many times and it's true, I am. It comes from a desire to see equity for more people, not less. Maybe we don't have the balance right yet but I feel that the direction is positive.

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    6. "I am aware that many women voted for Trump, despite the clear evidence that he is no friend to women. I would most likely attribute that to internalised misogyny but somehow I imagine that will rankle with you as well."

      I am not only not rankled, I agree with you. A mystery of the Republican Party is its ability to win the votes of the very people whose policies it most hurts, by which I mean women and poor whites. It does this largely by pandering to their religion and their suspicion of government, a suspicion that has been created by Fox News.

      "I'm sorry if this whole post and discussion wounds you."

      I am not wounded. I am not mad. I hold you in higher regard now than ever before. You are a gentle soul of high integrity, and I think of you as a good friend.

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  4. This is just a fabulous opportunity. I would love to help organize something similar here. What a great idea and a fantastic way to get people who would normally never meet to have a night of conversation.

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    1. I'm sure you could organise one!
      I should add that tickets were sold through Humanitix rather than a commercial ticketing platform ( I don't know if it's international or not) and a percentage went to charity rather than private enterprise

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  5. Something like that in the heart of the city is indeed awesome.

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    1. Yes, I just loved it! I'm so pleased the old bowling greens were not turned into apartments or something like that. It's now a green space but commercially viable

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  6. I would attend something like that. It sounds like something I would enjoy. If the person were interesting enough, I would not even mind sitting back and listening. Well, maybe not entirely. White males would love to have an audience...lol. I do, however, like an exchange of ideas.

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    1. I think most people are interesting if we are listening properly but out most interesting parts are also usually quite vulnerable so it requires some openness, too.
      Lots of people love an audience but maybe a white male doesn't need to work so hard for it?

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  7. This sounds like a very interesting experience. I wonder if the attendance was skewed toward people who were already interested in promoting empathy and who already have empathy in spades . . . there are a few people I know who could use something like this but you'd never catch them going!

    Did I miss you saying who was responsible for organizing it?

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    1. I didn't mention the organisers because it all seemed a bit complicated. Once I read everything properly I made sense of it: It was organised by the Sydney hub of Global Shapers Network, which is the youth branch of the World Economic Forum.

      I did think the event probably attracted people who are intensely interested in other people's stories (come to think of it, meeting a journalist would make sense) It also requires people who are bold enough to meet and have dinner with a stranger.

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    2. I like the idea of being linked with a complete stranger and then getting a conversation menu with ice-breaking questions. I don't know of anything like that here, if there was I would certainly give it a try.

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    3. Nick,
      The idea was first conceived and enacted by an Oxford scholar, Theodore Zeldin

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  8. That sounds like such a fabulous idea. I would love to take part if they had one here. Anna

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