It's always been ok with me, they are all the kind of people who I can see after a year and feel like we were never apart but the covid experience has left me wondering if I have misjudged.
I have said here repeatedly that covid hasn't changed my life a lot, I have still been working and maintained a semblance of the usual routine. It hasn't been difficult for me but I am aware that not everyone feels the same way and have made extra effort to let people know I am thinking of them. My cards and emails have often gone unanswered and I make a lot more phone calls than I receive, some people who I thought might have checked in with me haven't and people who i never imagined would be interested have called to ask how I am.
It makes me wonder how to interpret all of this. I know better than to make bridge burning judgements on people who are possibly anxious and overwhelmed but at the same time I wonder if some people ever really cared.
I hope I don't sound whiney, I don't think thats my intention. A friend of mine recently told me that he re-evaluated all of his friendships at age 50 and I wonder if the pandemic has prompted me to do that
Friendships are not really predictable. I have friends who would have checked on me who died! I doubt you misjudged things. It is just the way things happen. I am not suffering either.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're doing ok. It's so variable, isn't it?
DeleteLike PP says - some people are not predictable. At the beginning it was a two way street of 'hello how are you, keep in touch please' now it's definitely slowed down and now if I get a 'thumbs up' from some I'm lucky.
ReplyDeleteJust keep on going the way you are Kylie - you're the one who matters....no matter what others think.
I got better as time went on, realising that for people who live alone the time was dragging. In the start I just enjoyed the sense of having a break
DeleteI have similar thoughts and feelings here - and am about a decade too late to that re-evaluation.
ReplyDeleteI am letting it go through to the keeper. People will respond (or not) in their own time.
Letting it through to the keeper is wise. I was an overthinker in my youth, maybe it's come back to haunt me 😊
DeleteWhat does it mean "letting it through to the keeper"?
DeleteIt comes from cricket, it means you won't try to hit the ball. Not worth worrying about
DeleteI don't have that many close friends, but the few I have, I may have lost because I refuse to meet on their weekly zoom chat. I just don't want to do it, and because of that I'm seen as the anti-social one.
ReplyDeleteI can't blame you, Zoom is odd. Funnily enough, I've only had one zoom invitation, a 60 th birthday party in Nottingham
DeleteWhy interpret? Enjoy the friendships that come your way and simply ignore those that don't. That is what I do.
ReplyDeleteI knew you would say something astoundingly simple!
DeleteI guess we are blogging acquaintances and not triends in the true sense, but I'm very pleased to have made your acquaintance, kylie. My life is richer because of it. The world-shrinking attribute of the internet is truly mind-boggling when you think about it.
ReplyDeleteWe are friends! And truly I think my blogging acquaintances know me better than my other friends. The internet has done amazing things, hasn't it? Just mind blowing
DeleteAll of us change as life rolls along. Our friends change as well. so with changes we no longer are in stages where we are friends. We have to be ourselves. the virus is making some changes for us and in friends too.
ReplyDeleteYes Red, I'm sure there have been many surprises across many friendships and you're right, everything changes all the time
DeleteAt the beginning of this year I made a list of friends I wanted to keep up with or who I felt I "should" keep in contact with. All people I am very fond of. I haven't been charging through my list at any great speed but I have called/face-timed every one and will keep doing so because it would seem we have all enjoyed it. But I get that people don't make the effort in return and I'm ok with that. I just feel that I made the effort and won't rush to keep doing so but will happily do so again when I feel the desire. They're still friends at the end of the day but having made the effort I know that if that friendship is lost it isn't because I gave up on it. I can live with it either way.
ReplyDeleteAnna, that's how I normally think, that I'll hold my end and they can hold theirs. I'm probably overthinking
DeleteThis has been a very interesting time to assess things. In addition to the regulation Covid thing we had Mom's death. I have been amazed (in both a positive and negative manner) at the way my friends and extended family have reached out. Two of my "best" friends and several cousins texted me to tell me they were sorry to hear of Mom's death. I would have, and have when their parents died, taken a much more personal response and I honestly am surprised. Reassessment might be in order or not. I know these are weird times but if you have the time to text you probably have the time for a brief call. On the other hand people I know but am not as close to have overwhelmed me with their caring cards, calls, chocolate (thank you Sluggy), flowers and plants. I am eternally grateful for each and every kindness.
ReplyDeleteA text for the loss of a parent just seems cold. Maybe we are all learning that people are unpredictable
DeleteI can think of a few reasons why people might not respond the way we'd think they would. Inertia (which ironically often comes when we have less to do than usual), higher preoccupation with self (especially if their lives have changed significantly), inability to switch to a different form of keeping in touch (if their usual way is a personal visit, maybe it's because that's their strong preference, and other ways are difficult for them to do). I know for myself that email is my strong preference, both pre-COVID and now. It is hard for me to pick up the phone at any time, and personal visits are few and far between at the best of times. I think you are right to not write off anyone just yet; this is a strange time and people's limitations in dealing with it don't necessarily reflect their feelings toward others.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree that there are many reasons people might be quiet. I've just found it all a bit surprising
DeleteI would have asked how you're coping with lockdown but yes, you've always given the impression you're fine with it and no need for other people's concerns. But do vent your feelings if lockdown is getting on top of you.
ReplyDeleteI haven't asked how you are and it goes both ways but that's what I'm thinking about, the people I do check on who haven't returned the favour. I also didn't think I expected anything in return but maybe I really do
DeleteJenny and I are doing fine, as we've both been retired for a while and we're well used to being at home. But we're feeling a bit deprived of the outside world now - the coffee shops, the pizza restaurant, the cinema, the art galleries etc. We'll be very happy when they're back in business!
DeleteI have thought that maybe there are different friends for different times and circumstances. I've found that some people are good communicators and some aren't and it doesn't necessarily mean you've lost connection with them. I seem to be communicating with people online more at the moment - finding some connectedness with different people in this strange time. I'm a bit of a hermit anyway though.
ReplyDeleteI can communicate comfortably in every format though reflecting on Anne's comment I realise I'm awkward about death and would rather send a card.
DeleteI do think you're right about timing. There are seasons for everything.
I've been trying long and hard to work out my position on this one. Many of my friends have been friends for the best part of half a century since my life altered dramatically when I came to live on Lewis. A dwindling number have been friends for 60 or 70 years (dwindling because they keep dying). Once I make a friend (a proper friend) I very rarely lose her or him through neglect of the friendship. The rest I call good acquaintances. They come and go with the passage of time and circumstance. Most of my 'coffee mates' from Lewis still have virtual coffee via WhatsApp or Zoom which is how I keep in touch with many of those far away anyway. I'm also a letter writer which helps keep friendships alive.
ReplyDeleteApart from anything else, I suspect I never quite found my tribe. I've just ordered a bunch of cards I'm looking forward to using so I'll keep going and see how it all works out
DeleteInteresting post Kylie, so many have time on their hands now but choose to spend it differently. I know one of my friends is demented as shopping is her primary activity and that is all suspended and she is nervous and ill at ease. While others are very comfortable with the lockdown and getting caught up on reading and crafts. Personalities have a lot to do with it.
ReplyDeleteI am disappointed in those family members who don't bother to reply to me but think to myself I am not surprised as they always treat me with detachment and basically, disinterest.
Good to know some treat us well, I count those as precious.
XO
WWW
I had a sudden thought that my newish singleness might confront some. I never expected it to but it might be a factor.
DeleteThis is really interesting Kylie. Many decades ago one of my friends married and returned to S.Africa. In those days we exchanged letters and birthday and Christmas cards. Then it became a catch up with the cards. Eventually she stopped the cards and I thought maybe she had lost my address. Fast forward a few more years I received a letter from her that was quite terse. Her husband had been in the UK attending interviews and had wanted to stay with me for a few days. He had just turned up on the doorstep expecting me to take him in, as it happened I was visiting my mum at the time. The thing is, not only did she still have my address but they assumed that I would just offer him a room without the courtesy of contacting me, and was put out that he had to go to a hotel. Needless to say I didn’t reply.
ReplyDeleteThat's just a shocking story. Whatever got into their heads?
DeleteOne old friend surprised me last year by not returning emails, or being very short in her replies. Then when my parents died I couldn't bear the thought of telling her and getting another short reply, so I didn't. And that was that.
ReplyDeleteI hope I know who my friends are now, they are a small group, but very special to me.
Sx
It's very strange, isn't it? How do friends just not want to be friendly anymore? I"m sorry that happened, especially around the time your parents died.
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