A woman I have been loosely acquainted with over a number of years showed up at work a few weeks ago, wanting a place in respite care for her mother.
The daughter, we will call her Lee, was clearly at the end of her rope after caring for her mother for a number of years. "I wish I had 12 sisters" she said "but my brothers took seriously the idea of leaving mother and father and cleaving to their wives and they are no help"
I jumped in immediately and said "honour your mother and father is in the ten commandments, don't give your brothers that excuse to hide behind"
Anyway, after many requests over a long period, Lee's mum, Joy agreed to trial some formal care. Due process was followed and Joy was admitted this week.
Lee has arrived at my office in tears numerous times already, yesterday she was telling me that her mum had declined significantly since arriving in care.
Soon after, I was showing a family through the place and as it happened, the only room available to show them was the unoccupied half of Joy's room. According to Lee's comments, I expected Joy to be minimally aware of the intrusion.
When we got there, Joy was sitting up and looking pretty perky for somebody 90 plus. I asked Joy if I could interrupt her for a few minutes to show the other half of the room.
She didn't answer me so I went ahead and turned lights on. At that point, she turned and asked what I was doing so I asked again. Her answer was neither a yes or no but her tone made it clear that she resented the intrusion and we retreated. Joy was certainly not feeble, not confused, not unable to advocate for herself annd not at death's door.
When I later saw Lee sobbing and saying she was exhausted but she had to be here for her mum, I told her what I had experienced of her mother but what I really wanted to say was "go home and rest, I suspect your mother is playing you"
My mother was very good at playing people to do things for her. Not we her children. We just ignored her nonsense but she wrap strangers around her fingers. She also tried less successfully with medical people.
ReplyDeleteYes, a lot of people fall for the cute old lady thing
DeleteSadly this is all too familiar. My mother was a player and not averse to trying to to play one family member off against another. As the only female in the family (compounded because two of my three brothers were overseas) most of the caring fell on me. It is exhausting. I hope you friend gets some rest and perspective.
ReplyDeleteIm so glad you understand! I was beginning to think I was alienating my readers by saying it.
DeleteIm not always insightful but this time the toxicity is clear
Not at all alienating!
ReplyDeletepractical parsimony
DeleteThank you, Linda
DeleteMy dad could be a player, too! It became difficult to know when he was being real.
ReplyDeleteSx
My dad asked for the ambulance when he wasnt physically sick but it wasn't manipulative, it was dementia.
DeleteIt can be hard to know what's real, dementia? delirium? mind games?
An awkward situation. Joy certainly made it very clear she didn't want anyone else in her room. Fortunately my mum was never manipulative and never played people (as far as I know).
ReplyDeleteI could have done better so In not worried for myself but im sure Lee sees a much sicker person than the one I did
DeleteI understand this perfectly, my mother is a player at Olympic level, she could win a gold medal at manipulation. I feel sorry for your acquaintance, it a difficult situation for all involved (or not involved in the case of the brothers) Megan.
ReplyDeleteMegan, this seems to be a theme!
DeleteIn general i think we are very reluctant to acknowledge that some older people are badly behaved and families suffer in silence.
It'd difficult to deal with irrationality. The perception is way off normal. Usually they set the agenda. We want to make things the best for people but it doesn't work.
ReplyDeleteYou're right Red, it's not possible to use normal methods and communications when people are irrational.
DeleteIn this case I think the daughter has been manipulated. A whole month on and drama is ongoing