Mum has been in aged care for about eight weeks now and is very unhappy with it. Dad had done a lot for her and she kidded herself that she was more independent than she was. When Dad died, the truth of her situation quickly became undeniable. In a short space of time she lost her husband, her home, her illusion of independence and her control. She's mad about it all and with faulty logic as well, it makes things interesting.
When Mum was in hospital and waiting for an aged care place, she started telling us the hospital was reducing the size of her meals in an effort to make her leave. Now that she's in aged care she doesn't have an explanation for changing meal sizes but when she's unhappy she says her meals are shrinking and on a good day she is excited to report that they are increasing the size of the meals.
I know she's listed for "large" meals and I know that the meal sizes are probably quite tightly managed so I'm sure the size doesn't change but her inability to make choices might have an impact: given the choice of, say, eggs or porridge, she will say she wants beans. No amount of repeating the options will inspire her to make a clear choice so the staff are forced to take a guess. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them give up and just pick the simplest thing out of a range of options.
In all of my memory, Mum has never liked thick custard or rice pudding but take her a thick, dairy style "protein dessert" and she thinks her birthdays have all come at once.
I'm struggling to ever have a good visit with her (she accuses me of dumping her in a sub-standard room and leaving her to rot). She is also super reluctant to leave her room or her motorised lift chair so there's really very little scope for much variety but I have developed a semi-successful formula for visits. I take Sally with me and stop at the local McDonalds on the way. I get coffee and maybe an apple pie or ice cream. Then, I hope to get a park in one of the centre's four visitor spaces so I don't have to park on the main road. There's a delicate act to get the coffees and the dog out and try not to get cleaned up by a passing bus.
Walking through the centre holding a dog lead, a walking stick and a wobbly coffee tray takes all the concentration and patience (and frankly, luck) I can muster. I wondered if a dog stroller might make the whole process easier, Maybe I could put the coffee on top and ditch the walking stick. Or maybe I can take a thermos with me so the coffee is in something less spillable than a wobbly tray and paper cup. Maybe I can find some kind of little handled carrier that would perfectly fit two coffee cups so they could swing off my fingers instead of holding the tray in my hand.
When I arrive at her room, I ply Mum with caffeine and sugar and distract her with silly, exaggerated stories of a geriatric dog. Tomorrow I have a magazine to take as well. Hopefully it will be a good day.
I'm sorry things with your mum have reached such a state. Please don't get a doggie stroller as I find them too precious (in a bad sense) for words. A thermos could be just the thing for the coffee. I'm sure you will stir up your gray matter and come up with the right decisions.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Robert. Aging is cruel and that's just life.
DeleteI'm no fan of doggie strollers either but no solution is too dumb to consider
It must be difficult to not show your exasperation at times, but I am sure you stay in control. I hope the staff remain patient with her. They should, as that is part of their job.
ReplyDeleteThe staff are lovely but if shes too vague to answer, they have to find their own solutions
DeleteI do sympathise with you and your mum. Could a uti be factor? My mother-in-laws paranoia and fear was off the scale when she had one. You do sound as if you have some good tactics for making visits go more smoothly. The lack of visitor parking sounds dodgy and makes it awkward for you and I too hope you don’t get cleaned up by a passing bus! Aged care is so difficult to negotiate and as Andrew says I hope the staff email patient with her. Helen
ReplyDeleteI do my best, Helen! The staff are much better than me.
DeletePast UTIs caused delirium shes never quite recovered from but I dont think shes sick at present.
That was remained, not email. Sorry. Helen
ReplyDeleteI am dealing with a friend (another) with dementia at the moment. And from my last couple I learned a lot as to how to talk to them. Like avoiding questioning and even simple comments like the weather can cause an upset. I'm glad you take the dog to distract but perhaps a small wheeled shopping cart for "stuff" might help?
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard on you after losing your dad.
XO
WWW
I do understand that I am the easiest target for grief and frustration. It makes sense but it takes a toll.
DeleteThank you, Mary
Oh Kylie, my heart aches for you. Just reading your post and peoples' comments brings floods of memories of dealing with my mum in her last months. A permanent consequence of that time is a much lowered bar of caring what most other people think. Which helped enormously when my geriatric Cavalier's arthritis got to the point where a dog pram was the only solution. But, it's a revelation. They are cheap (even cheaper secondhand online), they can be folded or opened with one hand to fit in the car, they work wonders for allowing the dog variety and sniffing time, they make a great shopping trolley with the tray under the seat, some even come with coffee cup holders. It might be a solution for your dice with death on the main road. FOUR visitor parking spaces? That's just ridiculous. Do take care of yourself.
ReplyDelete(... and you don't know me, I'm just some random following along and wishing you well :-))
Its good to have you here, Lis!
DeleteI used to wonder why people were always asking how my parents were. Now I know that there comes a point where their wellbeing directly impacts ours.
I probably care what people think more than Id admit even to myself but im also used to doing weird stuff because it works for me.
Obviously a tricky job keeping your mum satisfied, especially when she imagines her meals are getting smaller or larger and thinks she's being left to rot. But it must be hard for her adjusting to a single room when she's used to something bigger and a lot more independence. You seem to be dealing with the situation very flexibly and sensibly.
ReplyDeleteI was pretty cranky with her for quite a while, NIck. And then I realised that maybe the line between "difficult" and "dementia" is blurry and I have to give the benefit of the doubt. It's been a tough year for her
DeleteMaybe you could take the coffees etc in first and then go back for the dog (if it is practical to leave it in the car for that short period of time).
ReplyDeleteMarcellous, that is an option! not one i like very much but it might become the most sensible
DeleteI could use my little red wagon to carry things and the dog. I am sorry to hear her crankiness is hurting you. Could you take her something minor and inexpensive each time to maybe distract her? I am thinking crayons, pages to color, small purchased snacks. I am quite sure you have things lying around your house that might distract her,give her something to think about then and later. Now, I will worry about your trips to see her after hearing about the parking situation.
ReplyDeleteOh, I don't want you to worry about me. Its not the easiest but I'm very careful.
DeleteI take snacks quite often and the family circulates a lot of books which she likes.
Hopefully she will get used to it.
I think it's lovely that you take Sally. I wanted to take my Terrier to see my mum, but he was just too excitable. My mum loved dogs.
ReplyDeleteYou're having an extremely tough time, but you're doing well.
Sx
Thank you, Scarlet. Sally gets very excited for about 10 mins each night. I can imagine a younger version would be hard to manage.
DeleteIt must be devastating to lose contact with pets, gardens and community. Old age is hard