I have never been a person to say I had a bad day, bad week or bad year. It just hasn't been my way of thinking. I get through a difficult event and I am glad it's over but I have never really found it neccessary to label the whole period of time as bad.
This year, things went south in mid-January so it was pretty close to the start of the year. It got worse and Dad died and I hoped that with Mum finally home from hospital and Dad gone, things might start to improve.
I can't say it did improve, it just was a range of different kinds of hard.
Which leads me to a point where for the first time ever I will confidently say this has been the hardest year I have ever had. I have had harder times but they didn't fit neatly into a calendar year and I didn't box them up as "a hard year."
2025 might have broken something in me, maybe I'll recover but maybe I will be forever changed. It's not because of Dad's death but because of watching him suffer, the isolation I felt then and the inability to stay in front of the advancing dementia. The difference I feel in myself is about all different reasons for grief, disappointment and struggle. It's a loss of innocence on a gargantuan scale.
Mum's heart is failing and she has some cognitive decline. I will be very surprised if she makes it through 2026 and if she does, she will likely be almost unrecognisable from what she is today. When she is gone I will become the family matriarch and suddenly I don't feel that "matriarch" sounds old, it sounds like someone who has earned a title through blood, sweat and tears. Even that phrase suddenly means more.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want to record the way I feel about this year. I have lived long enough to know that happiness is nice but growth is more satisfying.
You have always struck me as a "glass half full" human rather than a negative "glass half empty" woman Kylie. Throughout your life you have shown resilience and kindness and perhaps that is how you got through 2025 in spite of everything. I wish you all the best for 2026 - you deserve that.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Neil.
DeleteI can be bitchy, complaining and self pitying but i always manage to keep scrambling forward.
I hope you and your family are happy and well in 2026.
DeleteYou write of your feelings of isolation, Kylie. You also speak of disappointment.
ReplyDeleteIt was hard enough seeing your father suffer. But you need support. From family.
Faith is all we have in the last years. This evil world is our vale of tears.
Pascal said the Last Act is bloody even if the Play was good. Pascal's death was horrible.
The Lord never asks us to be on good terms with death. *Death, thou shalt die,* John Donne wrote.
*I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.* Matthew 28: 20.
Jack
Thank you, Jack. My only consolation ( and it doesn't help much) is that the timing of everything was so unique, I have to see God's hand in it. And so I must also know He was alongside.
DeleteI have never viewed you as self-pitying Kylie, just challenged and grieving. You've had a horrific year and your parents leaving - dementia is a form of leaving too - has been truly a test of sanity. Today I am reminded of the anniversary of my bestie died 11 years ago, far too young, brain tumour. To live longer for the rest of us have many sadnesses. May 2026 for you have more uplifting moments.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
Mary you once said something about grief adding up over the years and I have remembered that often. I understood with my mind but now I feel it in my gut.
DeleteIm sorry about your friend, what a loss.
Kylie, I find your expression of grief over the hard things in your life very moving and apt. The everyday is sometimes harder to bear than life changing events, such as a parent’s death. I have enjoyed your blog this year, not because of the hard things that have happened but because it was real and you showed great resilience and moved forward. And you got out and travelled, to places I would never think of! This has been a hard year in so many ways. I hope 2026 is a kinder year for you. Helen
ReplyDeleteThank you, Helen. My travelling is my best attempt at making up for lost time and its not the travel I hoped for but it doesnt matter, I'm still seeing new things.
DeleteYou have accepted some bad times and are ready to move on even it it's very difficult.
ReplyDeleteThanks Red. Its all life's grand adventure.
DeleteAll these things can be thought about very logically, but humans aren't always logical. We have emotions and fears and happiness. Some years some will overwhelm the others but over our lives, it is nice if they balance out.
ReplyDeleteWWW is quite right. My neighbour HH is a widow but not legally yet. Her husband is still alive, quite healthy but with severe dementia. He does not recognise her, and I don't think she thinks about him much now.
Onward and upward, Kylie. Happy 2026.
Happy 2026, Andrew!
DeleteBy the time a dementia patient is bed bound and non verbal there's not much left of them to think about, is there?
The pain never ends, does it? Pain when dad was alive and suffering, and now more pain after the loss.
ReplyDeleteI am still waking in the middle of night, "hearing" my beloved mum constantly call out "save me, save me" 9.5 years ago :(
Oh Hels, I hear that at work and its heartbreaking.
DeleteThere's so much grief in so many details.
I wish you a safe and happy 2026.
Hi Kylie. I'm sorry you had such a tough year. I won't try and offer any wisdom because being philosophical about things doesn't really help. I do hope this year is better though, or at least that you find ways to feel better about what is happening.
ReplyDeleteMichelle! Its been a long time. I hope you're well and I wish you well for 2026 🥰
DeleteThe years with death of our parents are hard years. I hope this year is easier for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anne. It will be a good year, even the ones I dont like are good
DeleteI really really hope 2026 is a better year for you in all aspects of your life Kylie…..you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year - love to you and your family.
Thank you Cathy. I wish you well for health and happiness in 2026
DeleteYou've had a tough year one way or another. But you had the strength to get through it. I hope 2026 is a better year for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nick. Happy New Year to you and Jenny!
DeleteBeautifully and perceptively expressed. I lost my mom in 2025 (my dad in 2021); although they were both 92 when they died, I'm not sure how I feel about now being that matriarch and head of the family. It's daunting.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting, Margaret.
DeleteI'm sure you're a worthy matriarch, claim the title!
I feel terrible about my post of January 2nd. After writing and publishing it, I began reading friends’ blogs that I hadn’t looked at for a few days, holiday activities having kept me away. I had the horrible feeling while reading this post that you might think the latter part of my post was inspired by your post and that I was shallowly advocating a ‘chin up’ attitude after reading about your hardest year. Nothing could be further from the truth because that was not the sequence of events. I’m so sorry for such an unfortunate juxtaposition. I truly am.
ReplyDeleteRobert it never crossed my mind. Life is hard sometimes and we also have to square our shoulders, find the good and move forward. Your post was perfect for a new year
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