There was a girl I was friends with in school, lets call her Lisa. We were not bosom buddies in the way that teenage girls sometimes are but I thought we would be friends for a long time.
Soon after we left school, Lisa's younger brother, who was her only sibling and very close, was killed in a car accident. I think I was 18 at the time and Lisa is a week younger than I am.
I attended the funeral ( I will never forget the primal scream of their mother when the casket slid out of view) and I phoned a few times asking how she was going but she just told me she was ok. I knew she had to be glossing over her real feelings but I had no real idea of how to support her when she wasn't prepared to be vulnerable. There were no hard feelings on my part and looking back I might have been secretly relieved that she didn't seem to need me.
I think it was a few months after Glen's death that I received a photocopied letter which Lisa was obviously sending to a few people. The letter talked about how let down she felt, how lacking in support and how her friends had failed her.
I didn't feel guilty, I was a little mystified but decided that grief might be making her angry. I don't remember replying to the letter in any way. I'm not sure if I made any attempt to fix things between us but I think I took the letter as a break up which I had no control over. I didn't ignore it but I also might not have responded.
Some time after that I heard that others received apologies but I had not.
I stayed friendly with Lisa for probably ten years after that and I don't think that bit of history was the cause of our break-up but I will always be haunted by the whole thing..........
Inspired by Going Gently
Obviously, you were young and had no idea that when she said she was okay that she was young and did not know how to respond. It sounds like a sad end to a friendship that neither of you knew how to control. Maybe you did not get an apology because your absence hurt the most. Things like this happen because of miscommunication or lack of communication. It is sad.
ReplyDeleteIn hindsight I can see that we were both just too young to manage such an enormous event but I wish she had been as forgiving as I tried to be
DeleteThese things happen often during our lives and I've learnt to move on from them, we did the best we could at the time, maybe it wasn't the right thing, but we are human. Best to move on and forget about it if you can, you can change the past, only learn from it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think of it often but I think the lessons will stay with me
DeleteThings like this are interesting to reflect on. We live and learn and move on.
ReplyDeleteI wish it happened when i was a little wiser!
Deletehttp://rummuser.com/the-four-principles-of-spirituality/
ReplyDeleteThose principles have been on the edge of my consciousness for a long time, if a client or acquaintance has regrets around the way their baby is born I usually tell them that we get the experience we need.
DeleteI certainly learnt from it
As you say, it's hard to know how to support someone who won't show their feelings. Odd that she complained of the lack of support but couldn't see how she had pushed it away. I don't see what else you could have done. Just one of those awkward situations.
ReplyDeleteI think grief makes people hugely self centred and that is understandable but it does tend to blind one to the experiences and efforts of others
DeleteThat's a sad story, sad for you both. At that age it's hard to know what to do or say when someone dies, especially someone young and connected to your life. I still find it hard to put things into words in sympathy cards or at funerals without sounding like I'm spouting cliches.
ReplyDeleteWe all resort to cliches because there is nothing useful to say but we feel the need to say something!
DeleteI am a little confused by your narrative. Are you saying that you did continue the relationship for ten years? If so I can't quite see how your reaction to her brother's death impacted it, other than in the first raw moment? Am I missing something?
ReplyDeleteU
Yes, I knew I didn't make a good job of that.
DeleteWe remained friendly and I think eventually our lives were just too different with me buried in nappies and her travelling the world but even though we remained friends I was always aware that she resented the way I reacted and I was uncomfortable with it.
It's hard enough dealing with loss when we are older, so I can't imagine how it must feel to lose someone as a child or teen. Makes it even more complicated. In a similar vein to your story, our daughter's friend lost her father when they were both teens. She (and her mother) blamed our daughter for not being supportive. Our daughter had been dealing with health issues for a couple of years prior to that - life-altering health issues - and they didn't seem to get that she had been grieving her losses all that time. It's difficult for young people to see past their own emotions and difficulties but I would have expected the mom to have a bit more understanding of the issues. In the case of your friend, I'm sorry it didn't have a pleasanter outcome. If people can't or won't talk about problems, it is hard to resolve them. I think you gave it a good try.
ReplyDeleteNobody knows what a life changing illness is like until they have one and the grief can be ongoing. It's tough to deal with at any age and to be expected to be supportive of someone else is just too much.
DeleteI also think the mom could have done better.
I think no-one really knows how to react to another person's grief. I worked in HR for 20 years and I remember when one woman lost her husband unexpectedly she made very aggressive comments about one of her supervisors for not contacting her much (although the supervisor did contact her - just not constantly). It was weird for me because I remember saying that if that were me I would want people to leave me alone. So damned if you do and damned if you don't sometimes aren't you. Plus, as you say, you were both young. Anna
ReplyDeleteI do think it is understandable that grief makes people a bit impossible. Sending an apology to some and not others though, shows some thought and intention.
DeleteWe are funny animals
I still find it hard to put things into words in sympathy cards or at funerals without sounding like I'm spouting cliches.
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