These acts of forgiveness are the ones I need to make every day so that I can keep living (living as opposed to surviving) These are the acts of forgiveness that allow us to start each day or week new, happy and expectant instead of bitter, disappointed and resentful.
I started to think about this in the context of the Christian faith. Forgiveness is mandatory for Christians, we are to forgive the big things and the small ones and we are to do it completely, generously, not counting. If we were asked to do this from an emotional place we could never achieve it but the key is to forgive as a discipline. Forgiveness is making a decision not to continually nurse a grievance, not to raise it, not to let it slowly poison me. I can do these things even if I don't feel like it, I can do them just because it is good for me, not much different to exercise or eating salad, really.
Which leads me to other disciplines of Christianity: love and faith. It doesn't really matter what religion you follow or even if you follow one, love is a decision we make and stand by. The day to day work of raising a child or maintaining a long friendship or caring for a difficult person is not always something I do because I feel like it. When I don't feel much like it I do it anyway because I decided to. The Christian imperative to love all as we love ourselves is the same principle but in a bigger arena. Love. As a discipline.
And then there is faith. Faith is what led Noah to build a great boat and fill it with animals, faith is what leads a person to leave their home and become a missionary or a minister or to feel exposed and vulnerable as they preach or give away money or maybe move house, change schools or leave a secure job. Faith is forgiving or loving when we don't want to. Faith is deciding that there is a God who wants the best for us and then living as though that is true, even and especially when we are unsure.
It's interesting that I have known all these things to be disciplines but I have never before thought of them all together. I wonder how many people lose their Christian faith because they don't feel it. I wonder how many struggle because they expect to feel more and how much blessing do Christian people miss out on because they don't have rigour to match their claimed beliefs.
There is a verse I learned as a child. It's no longer fashionable to sing these things but the wisdom of it is unchanged:
By the pathway of duty flows the river of God's grace.
This is a post which I don't feel equipped to comment on in its entirity. I do have some first thoughts about areas I am familiar with though
ReplyDeleteLoving others as I do myself would be shortchanging them. I don't love myself. I often don't like myself. And if I could divorce myself I would.
And I hear you on forgiveness as a discipline. A medicine I take (as often as I can) because it is good for both me and the forgiven.
EC,
DeleteI don't expect this post will be too many's cup of tea so I thank you for making the effort.
So many of us find self love tough but for you to divorce yourself is a little harsh, anyone who actively searches for and creates or curates beauty as you do and gives of themselves has to be damned near irresistible!
EC, I wish you could put on different glasses and see yourself as we see you, unfailingly kind and supportive, a talented wordsmith and gardener (and other things which I suspect you do not share on your blog) and as kylie says, always searching for beauty and sharing it with others. Hugs, my dear friend.
DeleteA post requiring some reflection and thought. I'm tired this evening, I'll just say that carrying grievances is hard work. All that baggage, hauling it around with you every day, opening the bag,taking out one or two of the larger grievances and dwelling on them is wasting life's time. Ditching this baggage is easier as time passes. Immediately ditching them and immediate forgiveness is not quite so easy.
ReplyDeleteFaith is another consideration, foreign to many; an abstract idea which cannot be taken out of a box and examined so how can it exist?
Enough from me
Alphie
Thanks for commenting Alphie. You are right that time makes it easier to forgive. I think when people really don't want to they actively cultivate anger. It must be exhausting.
DeleteFaith is so intangible, it makes everyone sound a little bit nutty
When people have wronged me, most often after I complain, the person BEGS for me to forgive them. At first, I did. That was like a license for more abuse. Now, these bawling people do not move me. I tell them no, I will not forgive but their future actions will be the only way I know they are sincere. I have been faced by all the crying and whining for forgiveness. It is like they need me to give me this gift to them. I am in no mood to give gifts to people who are mean or dishonest.
ReplyDeleteSome seem to think they can do anything if they apologise later but that's not a genuine apology.
DeleteIt is a new concept to some people that to forgive helps the forgiver as much or more than the forgiven. I think I have felt that way since childhood. I have too much to do, too much to experience, too much to feel and too much love to give not to forgive. That lack of forgiveness would be like a millstone around my neck. I am sorry to say that there are people and things that I must forgive each and every day. Sometimes the same things as the day before.
ReplyDeleteI am a humanist. I do not believe in any sort of god. I believe in the goodness and worth of people. I have a duty and responsibility to live my life with meaning and truth that will benefit the people around me.
Quite a few humanists visit my blog and Im grateful that they engage with my occasional religious meanderings.
DeleteThe best thing I ever read on forgiveness has stayed with me and helped me for nearly forty years. To forgive someone, we have to try to understand that they are doing the best they can with the knowledge they have at that moment. No one wakes up each day wondering how they can make someone else miserable. And as we know better, we do better. If someone is not doing better, there is something in their life that is keeping them from being able to. Sometimes we can help with that.
ReplyDeleteI believe this to be true and I say it to my kids often but there are some I wonder about at times
Delete"The day to day work of raising a child or maintaining a long friendship or caring for a difficult person is not always something I do because I feel like it. When I don't feel much like it I do it anyway because I decided to."
ReplyDeleteThis would imply that you could choose otherwise, and I'm not sure that's true, at least in the case of your child. It instead seems to me that love is an inescapable reality that lies below temporary frustrations. Sometimes, I wonder whether, if Peggy had Alzheimer's, would I still love her. She would be dead even while alive, so I'm not sure what would be left of whom she was that I could love. Perhaps, in caring for her, I would be loving a memory. In any event, giving love as a decision sounds more like a mental exercise than something that comes from the heart. In my example, I would hope that I would continue to provide care for Peggy because I took a vow to do so, but would I still love her present reality? I would have to be in that situation to find out. It might take a stronger person than I am to do so.
I agree with your readers who say that forgiveness must be earned. This was not Christ's message when he said that we must forgive "forty times seven," but surely he didn't mean that we should set ourselves up for future abuse because he also said, "Be ye wise as serpents and harmless as doves." Perhaps, in this sense, there's wisdom in the words, "I will forgive you, but I won't forget what you did." In practice, this could look like, "For my own peace of mind, I will forgive you for not repaying the money you borrowed, but I will not loan you more money," although even that level of forgiveness would be hard for me. I might instead heartily wish that such a person would come to a long and painful end. I heard an interview of a man who forgave his daughter's rapist and murderer and eventually became friends with the man. It was a good interview, but it surely pushed the bounds of what most people could respect, and I don't know but what most people are right. Is forgiveness always a virtue. Christ would have said so, but I never felt that he forgave the Pharisees and Sadducees, and he said that God the Father couldn't forgive without a blood sacrifice. What kind of God is it who teaches that we must forgive freely when he can't forgive at all unless someone die? I spit on such a deity.
"Faith is deciding that there is a God who wants the best for us and then living as though that is true, even and especially when we are unsure."
Where does faith end and wishful thinking begin? I suppose that if what you're talking about enables a person to live a happier and more productive life, then there is no harm in it.
Of course you are right about loving a child, that kind of commitment only comes from the heart. Some days or some hours, though, it is an act of will.
DeleteThe thing about expecting a person to earn forgiveness is that you might be waiting a long time and becoming ever more hurt while you wait. I do think itis possible to forgive while drawing a boundary which says "This person won't hurt me this way again"
I'm not 100% sure what i hoped for with this post but I didn't hit the target, for sure
It seems that people think not forgiving hurts the wronged person. Not forgiving is not harmful. It may be that the animosity held so long is what harms. I don't forgive people desperate for me to speak words to make them feel better. I usually just forget those people. Most of the time, I have forgotten what the person did, just know I do not want to have anything to do with them. I try to protect my own feelings not insincere people.
ReplyDeletethe way I understand it, letting go of animosity is a type of forgiveness. Helping people to feel better about the stupid painful stuff they put you through isn't required! we all need to protect ourselves, there's no guarantee someone else will
DeleteI don’tfollow a faith. Forgiveness is an interesting subject for me. I can’t forgive in certain circumstances and i’m not proud of it.
ReplyDeleteforgiveness is really hard Terry and time helps. Maybe you need time
DeleteI see forgiveness in a very different way. Yes, someone has done something idiotic or irresponsible or whatever, but my response is not to forgive them but to solve the problem they've created. More a practical response than a response based on emotion or will power.
ReplyDeletethat is not forgiveness. it is solving a problem. I don't think you have ever forgiven your father. They say that forgiving one's parents is the work of adulthood
DeleteNo, I haven't forgiven my father. He behaved appallingly towards me and never ever apologised. He also behaved appallingly towards my mother.
DeleteForgiveness is admirable but just sometimes confrontation is the bravest and most rightful course of action. Forgiveness is occasionally synonymous with submission. These are my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteConfrontation is probably the healthiest possible response when done right but after the confrontation, then what? I think forgiveness is next, even if it takes ages
DeleteYou have made a good point for which I forgive you.
DeleteMy dear Kylie, a loaded subject. To me forgiveness comes easy. By which I mean forgiving those who I am emotionally involved with.
ReplyDeleteMy ability to forgive how you, Kylie, explain what true forgiveness is I has not yet been put to the test. I can draw a few case scenarios where I wouldn't wish to vouch for myself.
One of the biggest disappointments of my life when I was told "X can't forgive you". By common consent there is nothing to forgive. All the high and mighty X has proven himself to be is somewhat lacking in compassion, empathy, and general inability to get over himself, making quite a few people in his vicinity pay the price for his inability to "forgive" me (by making sure they are FORBIDDEN to keep in contact with me - yes, really, Kylie, this happens still in this day and age - the quivering who will rather sacrifice a friendship than stand up to the MAN). I wonder how he'd stand up to YOU in discussion of the subject you raised. But then, fear not, he prides himself of being "very persuasive". Come to think of it: If I were him I'd probably not forgive myself (him that is) for all the unnecessary pain he has caused.
U
Ursula,
DeleteI regret this post but I started it so I'll finish it.
You are not one to harbour a grudge so I think you would eventually move past even a huge hurt, you eevn talk of this incident with X as a disappointment, which is a kind way to think, not angry or overtly bitter.
X is an abuser, clear as day. I have seen them before and disdain is the only reasonable response to them but they have their hangers on and sycophants. If only the hangers on knew that they will one day be next in line for the treatment you have received
A very thought-provoking post! I think about forgiveness everyday as I also have an X who I haven't forgiven and I feel the fault lies with me. The circumstances were so heinous that I feel he should be satisfied that he wasn't jailed or murdered! Perhaps I exaggerate a trifle :) But I wonder if forgiving him somehow would be most helpful to me as he would never even hear about it.
ReplyDeleteWhen our hearts are ripped from our chest by the people we most trusted to protect us, there is so much healing to be done and it's hard to do while the wounds are fresh.
DeleteSometimes we need to forgive ourselves our unforgiveness