I have, for the last 18 months convened a fortnightly dinner for some church ladies at a local pub. It all came about when one of the ladies talked about feeling lonely and unsupported, especially because her husband has severe depression.
It is a small group of seven on a very good day but most times I end up having dinner with just one or two or cancelling the whole thing.
I understand that for the ladies involved, they aren't obliged to be there and life gets in the way at times but I have become increasingly disappointed by the last minute absences and general disinterest so I decided that next year it will be a monthly event.
This week I sent out next years dates and one asked "Is this monthly now?"
I considered how I might explain without being bitter but eventually decided no explanation was neccessary and just replied "Yep"
Little did I know I would be face-to-face with the person asking just a couple of days later.
"Why is it once a month now?" she asked me.
Hmmm. I felt quite a bit like a rabbit in headlights.
"Well, people don't come very regularly and I understand that life gets in the way but I have to be committed to being there every fortnight"
She nodded sagely and said "maybe we'll see Mrs Elegant more often if it's a monthly event"
I don't understand the logic of that but it doesn't matter, I have created my boundary and having done that, maybe I'll be able to have a better attitude.
I think monthly will see a better attendance. I am not sure I would want to catch up with the same people once a fortnight but once a month, I would look forward to.
ReplyDeleteYes, fortnightly comes around very quickly, doesn't it?
DeleteWell done. I struggle with boundary setting - and it does impact on my attitude. I hope that you can start to enjoy your lunches again.
ReplyDeleteI feel like a lot of us feel guilty about setting boundaries and it's not helpful
DeleteI meet Ladies Who Coffee each week and love the time together. But coffee and a biscuit, for example, is a much lighter responsibility than a dinner. And if someone is sick or away on holidays, they haven't ruined a large function for the others.
ReplyDeleteI suspect it's different when you meet by consensus, too. Even though I really just remind everyone of the time, I think it's seen as my event
DeleteI think you handled that well.
ReplyDeleteDiplomacy doesn't come easy to me but I think it was ok
DeleteOrganizing social groups can be a challenge. You are trying. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks Red
DeleteLack of boundaries breeds resentment so well done you Kylie! I had to really work on mine too and NOT be apologetic when I set them. I actually state my boundaries now and feel better for it. It does command respect I noticed recently.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
I figured I could continue to feel taken for granted or I could reduce the frequency.
DeleteWhat they don't know is if they behave the same way next year it will stop completely
Yes, changing the meet-ups from fortnightly to monthly is sensible given the apparent lack of interest from potential attendees. It's especially frustrating if they don't even let you know they can't attend. As you say, you've created a boundary and they'll have to live with it.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't use it, you lose it.
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