Brutal

 So much has happened in the last four days. I don't have the will to write it all down and one day I might regret that. Maybe I will see fit to write a more full record at another time.

I came home from holiday on Tuesday night and had made a decision to go and stay with Dad in an attempt to offer extra support. He has been fearful and agitated for a couple of weeks, I had asked for help from the dementia helpline and the GP and had made a small amount of progress but I was not happy with the amount of distress Dad was experiencing.

He woke me during the night, in a loop of fear. In the morning it was hard to settle him for breakfast and then i regretfully left to go to work. On the same day, Mum came home from three months in hospital and I had hoped it would be reassuring. I cut the work day short to be with my parents for Mum's transition to home. Dad was suspicious and irritable with me, hiding from me and also making threatening gestures. 

I managed to establish that he didn't know who I was and I decided to make sure Mum was in bed then leave. I didn't want to go to sleep there. It was a good plan but like everything I try to achieve for my parents, too little, too late.

Dad barged into me and made threatening punching gestures. I was unhurt but felt unsafe and was unsure about leaving Mum.

I called the police but Dad soon fell asleep and as there was no threat, they made it clear that they didn't like me calling them and then left. My mistake was calling the wrong service.

The following day I returned to the family home and called an ambulance for Dad. He wasn't showing any sign of violence but he was distressed and who knows when the next episode of violence might happen. Or who to.

Less than 24 hours after Mum's return home, I was sending Dad away. Mum wasn't happy and has for a long time been frustrating in her refusal to accept that Dad is actually sick. She was critical of my actions and I got into a screaming match with her. The policeman who was accompanying the ambulance came back inside after having left to reprimand me on my treatment of my mother. I can't blame him, I was out of control but it was a cruel twist in a situation which i have been desperately trying to improve for many months.

Dad has been admitted to hospital and the doctors have agreed that he is suffering greatly. They will start him on antipsychotics in an attempt to improve his state of mind.

Mum is alone at home and I can't trust myself to deal with her hectoring so she remains alone. 

And the thing that keeps going round in my head is the recent time Dad asked me to take him to his favourite coffee shop but the access is difficult so I said no and now maybe I have lost my chance to give him that tiny bit of joy.