Somewhere recently, in comments on one of the blogs I read, somebody said that they wished they could have a "easy faith" it might have been the same person or someone else who said they wished they could just believe what they were told.
I thought I would try explaining my "easy faith"
I was born the child of church going people and I went to church with them every week. Was it easy? It was just what our family did and kids just accept what happens in their homes but no, I did not find it easy. I lived in a subculture and I felt isolated and different. Even at church, in the subculture, I felt isolated and different. I'm beginning to realise there is probably a chunk of neurospice in my family of origin so maybe that was the real problem but I blamed church and no, it was not easy.
I didn't mind church itself, I learned the stories and the ideas easily so I always felt smart but as I said, the social isolation was hard.
As a teen, all of the "hard" I had already felt was added to as I tried to figure out if it was real. Was this God thing something I could believe? Was it something I could not-believe? Was I prepared to stray from the identity of my family? If I did believe it, how should it look in my life? All those years of hearing people talk about "God's will" and "hearing God" had me confused. I couldn't hear God talk and I didn't know if I would recognise Him if I did. I didn't know "God's will for my life" and despite asking, wasn't seeming to get answers so I lived my life assuming I would be hit by a bolt of lightening or some other dramatic event if I needed a re-direction.
None of this was easy.
At one point my abusive husband tried to stop me from attending church and although I was unsure of the faith aspect, I knew that my church was my community and my faith, such as it was, was part of my identity. When forced to choose, I chose a life of faith. I wasn't really sure what I was choosing but I wasn't allowing it to be taken from me. This was important because I had allowed many other parts of my life to be stolen or eroded.
Life continued. I tried to understand what a life of faith means. I tried to apply my faith to my every day. I still wasn't confident I was getting it right. I must have been almost 40 before I was prepared to say I was a Christian because I never wanted my imperfection to turn anyone else away from exploring faith themselves.
Faith isn't hard like hard work. It's not hard like watching a loved one in pain. It's not hard like being in pain yourself.
Faith is hard because just when you think you are confident, you wonder if your confidence is a sign you have it wrong. Faith is hard because there is never proof of God. It's hard because it has to be reassessed all the time, chosen every day, added to, chiselled into shape. It is never complete.
Back when I chose faith I thought of it as a structure for becoming a better person, not the only way to being a better person but the way I knew, the way I had been schooled in and was familiar with.
These days, I find a life of faith is more than a way to be better: it is a way to find meaning, it is an enjoyable intellectual pursuit, it is a way to have community, a reason for hope and a touchstone for everything.
Even now, when faith has become all of that, there are still days I wonder if God is real, times I wonder who I would be if not for the influence of faith, times I wonder if I would judge myself less harshly if not for faith.
A life of faith no longer fills me with the angst of wondering if I am even close to the track, let alone on it but there are lots of times when the angst is just subtly there, unnoticed but ready to spring up and cause a skirmish.
In ending, I feel like this post will read as a very negative review but I don't want that. My best description might be to say that a life of faith is like many worthwhile pursuits: irritating and difficult in the moment but ultimately rewarding. The consistency needed is sometimes tiring. The reassessments that come can be humbling and painful. The rigour needed is sometimes just not what I want.
I speak only for myself when I say I don't have an easy faith. What I do have is a rich and interesting life with hope and growth and joy all built on a scaffold of faith.
I will never tell you that my way is the only way but I will ask you not to underestimate it.
Being human is hard and we all have to make choices about which hard things we want. Faith is one of mine.
At the age of 38 I had left religion behind. I respected those with faith but kept a friendly distance.
ReplyDeleteRichard Dawkins & Sam Harris weren't household names then. I anticipated all their arguments.
A book about WW II engrossed me. The Battle of Kursk. It raised many troubling questions.
I began to read books by New Testament scholars, the Journals of John Wesley, hymns by Charles Wesley.
I found a plaque in Cirencester : Wesley Preached Here. I read about Saint Columba, our patron saint.
I came to the conclusion that although Christendom was over Jesus of Nazareth was not over.
After reading a two-volume biography of Dr Martyn Lloyd-Jones I attended church worship, made friends.
This attack on Christendom is coming from America. It seems to be a reaction to fundamentalism.
The comments i am responding to here weren't attack, they were almost longing.
DeleteHaving said that, fundamentalism is a scourge and Christian Nationalism is neither Christian nor patriotic.
My dad always said "Jesus of Nazareth"
Thank you, Jack
Is it true that Nazareth is never mentioned in the Old Testament and never anywhere else ?
DeleteIf so, there was no propaganda value in the writers of the New speaking of Jesus' birthplace.
It can only mean he came from there. And that there were people alive who remembered him.
Longing & sadness are what I find here.
The New Atheists can't tell us how to live in this disordered world.
Daniel Dennett was the humblest of them and the wisest but he said he couldn't offer
anyone eternal life. I wouldn't want or need any of them at my deathbed.
Good Morning Kylie. I have studied various religions in my academic work, carried out research in spiritual communities and I have no faith as such. I do think our earlier lives are important in terms of beliefs. My family of origin was unusual in that my dad was a communist, however, my siblings and me were sent to low a rural Church of England church to protect us from prejudice against non-believers and Roman Catholics where we received basic education in that form of Christianity. I can say it did not influence my life to any great degree. The politics in my family were much more important. I never argue with beliefs and I respect everyone’s right to have beliefs. That said established religions have a lot to answer for. I appreciate living in a mostly secular culture where the church you go to or don’t go to is not a topic of conversation or judgement. I also appreciate that people find community in church going. I haven’t noticed that Christians are better people to any great degree. Pretty ordinary and flawed like the rest of humanity. Cheers, Helen
ReplyDeleteHi Helen,
DeleteAll you say is true. I'm not here to defend faith, just to say that it's not as easy as one might think.
I think it was interesting that you were sent to church to prevent prejudice, I sometimes think we don't aspire to those kind of values these days.
Thanks for contributing ☺️
Your husband tried to stop you attending church services, even though that would have cut you off from your community and identity? Not a nice man :(
ReplyDeleteHe did lots of unpleasant things. It took me many years to comprehend that no change on my part could fix the problems
DeleteI like what you said about a life of hope and growth and joy built on a scaffold of faith. The book of Hebrews, chapter 11, says faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. My own point of view is that faith cannot be proven. If something can be proven it doesn't require faith. The "leap of faith" expression is a good way of describing it. We live in an age where scientific proofs is demanded for everything or it is summarily dismissed, so people who will not make such a leap have a hard time understanding people who would do such a thing (and vice versa, I might add).
ReplyDeleteI also love what your first commenter said, that he came to the conclusion that although Christendom was over Jesus of Nazareth was not over.
A slight correction though. Jesus was not born in Nazareth according to Luke chapter 2: "Joseph went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth into Judaea, unto the city of Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child" because Caesar Augustus had decreed that all the world should be taxed. After a slight detour to Egypt because of the murderous Herod, the family did return to Nazareth, where Joseph resumed his carpentry trade and taught Jesus to be a carpenter too. Unfortunately, our newly ordained Methodist minister told our Wednesday night Bible study that the gospel writer probably just made up the story about Bethlehem just so that the prophecy in Micah 5 could be included. One finds obstacles to faith in places least expected.
I remember the opening music for Oral Roberts's television program back in the day (one needn't agree with every doctrine of his) being "Something good is going to happen to you, happen to you, this very day. Something good is going to heppen to you. Jesus of Nazareth is passing your way."
I apologise for the very long comment. Good post, kylie.
Hi Robert,
DeletePlease dont apologise for a long comment proving you engaged with my post! It's what any writer dreams of.
I have science training. I'm not sure if it gets me extra tangled on the idea of evidence. I'm much better than I used to be at the leap of faith but it's still a sticking point.
Making up a story about Bethlehem seems a bit pointless, I don't know why a gospel writer would bother.
Thank you for visiting xo
As you know I'm an atheist so I don't understand the finer points of religious belief and behaviour. But your elaboration is interesting. It's atrocious that your husband tried to stop you from attending church.
DeleteHi Nick, it's not a post for everyone but I enjoyed thinking it through.
DeleteI'm a veteran of most varieties of abuse but I'm doing well now.
Very courageous post Kylie. I was brought up strictly in a religious environment and going to church a lot and then being educated by nuns. I was drenched in it. I evaluated it all when my kids were becoming indoctrinated also. Particularly in the role of women within the overall patriarchal framework. I did a huge investigation into all godly matters and came to the conclusion there was no Invisible Cosmic Housekeeper, but I could work on finding my higher self and stay in tune with her. I find the evangelism in the US quite revolting, twisting the words of Jesus into unrecognizable forms - not helping the poor or the sick or the stranger but doing terrible things in the name of God. I see the necessity of community and for a long time I explored Quakerism, the Universal church, Jewish and Islam, etc. But always came back to my default, a higher self, always working to improve that and like yourself having faith in that possibility.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
WWW,
DeleteThank you for responding to something that's not your jam.
They say that all in Christianity makes a person more of themselves, which sounds an awful lot like a higher self.
I think so long as we are engaged with life and trying for something greater, that's the point.
Evangelicals have ruined the message of love.
Kylie: not a response to this post, but I read this article I tried to adopt a dog. Apparently they’d be better off dead than living with me and thought of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Marcellous! I love this piece. When I was looking for Buffy there were rescues I knew I would never adopt from. I once volunteered to foster greyhounds but the co-ordinator said I had too many items within reach of a dog and what would I do if they chewed my things. (There were other factors in their failure to deem me suitable but that one seemed insane)
DeleteI have seen people online farewelling a well loved dog who was homed with them as a "one dog only, no children, no small pets" dog but who had gone on to be brilliant with dogs, babies and chooks.
As the writer points out, a life lived with people who are responsible and loving is more than some dogs ever get so the huge number of rules seem to be the work of dysfunctional people.
Thank you. I am touched