After my mum's last hospitalisation I wrote about delirium. My reflections on that hospitalisation and on the recovery led me to question whether I should not have given consent for the procedure she had. It was a tough time for her and I am still not sure if I could have made another choice.
Knowing that these decisions are not going to get easier, I recently asked mum about her wishes for the future. "I don't want any treatment, leave me alone and let what happens, happen"
I can respect this view but I didn't feel that mum's behaviour matched her words so I asked again:
"So, you'd be happy to just stay in bed and be looked after until you die?"
"I didn't say that! Why are you asking me this?"
I explained that I want, in fact need, to understand her wishes because there may come a time when she can't advocate for herself.
Mum told me it was not my decision to make, that she can choose, that her doctors will choose. And on it went.
I interpret her resistance to my genuine enquiries as evidence that my understanding was correct. She doesn't want to decline all treatments, she has an expectation of continuing to live and be treated and make decisions for herself. The unfortunate part is that she doesn't make decisions any more. Ask her if she wants chicken or fish and she will say a sandwich.
All of this has been weighing on me intermittently. Mum is very frail and has several non-healing wounds. There is a very strong likelihood that one day, a wound will be infected or she will develop pneumonia and if I am to have any chance of handling the situation I need to be considering options before the crisis comes.
And I don't know why I have written all of that in present tense because mum's care manager updated me last week to say that we have very few options left for mum. Heart failure is impeding her circulation, which is why her wounds don't heal. She is on all the heart drugs, diuretics and blood thinners she can be on and she is no longer strong enough to survive a surgery.
What all of that means is, if mum has a sudden decline for any reason, there are very few options left for her.
It would seem that my efforts to understand Mum's wishes have become almost redundant and I am glad I don't have to carry that but I am not glad of the reason.
For the moment she is well so I shove all of that to the back of my mind, take her treats and try to mollify the irrational, complaining person she has become.
That is a very hard situation to be in and I feel for you. It's best to just take one day at a time and listen to your heart. You'll make the right decision when needed.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to eclectica, Lori.
DeleteI just wanted her input.
Whatever you decide to do for your mother, you are doing it for the right reasons and with human kindness in your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Neil.
DeleteThere's not much left to do except bring treats
This reminds me to put my wishes in writing and have my kids all sign it. If I am unable to make decisions and there is no chance that I would ever be well, then discontinue treatments and "let me go"
ReplyDeleteI think you should listen to the doctors and follow their advice since your mum is clearly unable to decide. Visit as often as you can, bring comfort and treats and let nature take its course.
Mum may have months of life yet but we know these things can change in an instant.
DeleteThe doctor has charted "conservative management "
As I was her oldest son, hospital doctors asked me if I wanted high intervention to keep my mother alive, or low intervention. I suggested medium. Sorry, there isn't a medium, so I said low intervention. Her quality of life was very poor and it was obvious she would never be able to get out of the hospital bed. It was the right decision and I hope hospital staff ask you the same question and it is not up to your mother.
ReplyDeleteThank you , Andrew. Mum appears to have good cognitive powers but there are some real deficits.
DeleteI remember you talking of painting your mums nails. I like that.