i was nearly laughed out of the factory for posing this question at work last week and i expect you will be tempted to do the same but in the spirit of great brainstorming i'm going to lay it on the table and see what happens.
if the success of a marriage is determined largely by the determination to make it work and the relationship skills of the people in it, could we, in theory, be happily married to just about anybody?
"Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will, any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate." Auden
I think the answer is yes! But it only takes one person in the marriage to lack in determination and relationship skills for it all to flounder. Those qualities have to be present in both.
ReplyDeleteCinnamon's point exactly, we couldn't be married to just anybody if those very stickability and relationship skills were lacking. And those abilities in turn would depend very much on our emotional commitment to each other.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Auden, marriage is 100 times more interesting (and challenging) than a fleeting romance.
I absolutely agree with Cinnamon. Both people take vows. It doesn't necessarily mean that both people MEAN those vows or have any intention of standing by them.
ReplyDeleteSeems to me that a lot of times, a marriage is described as successful just because it has lasted.
ReplyDelete"Hey, you've been with this person for x years, and you're still together! Congrats, you must be so happy!"
I dunno about that.
I know that's not really what you are asking...
I agree with Cinnamon and megan. Yet some people don't realise it themselves.
ReplyDelete"if the success of a marriage is determined largely by the determination to make it work and the relationship skills of the people in it, could we, in theory, be happily married to just about anybody?"
ReplyDeleteI think this is like saying that successful fishing is large the result of patience and skill. Sounds right, but it ignores the necessary pre-existence of things like water, fish, a fishing pole, bait, etc. So with marriage, no amount of skill and determination can overcome, for example, the fact that you and your partner find one another sexually repugnant, or that your partner wishes to have a devoutly fundamentalist Christian household whereas you think of Christianity as a pox on humanity. Nothing can make up for the utter lack of compatibility in vital areas.
cinnamon & nick
ReplyDeletetheres no question that the chances of two people with total commitment and all the neccessary skill is about as likely as flying pigs...........
but i wanted to see where we could go with it
karen,
ReplyDeletethe way we interpret our vows can differ too
megan,
ReplyDeletelength is irrelevant, i'm with you on that
and no, it wasn't the question but the question was just an opener
jo,
ReplyDeleteso i wonder what defines a good marriage?
snowbrush,
ReplyDeleteso which are the vital areas for compatibility?
yeah flying pigs, take your point!
ReplyDeleteBTW, WM has answered your question on my comments page :)
"so which are the vital areas for compatibility?"
ReplyDeleteBefore I wrack my brain trying to come up with a comprehensive list of every value necessary to a happy relationship, what did you think of the two I've already mentioned?
well snow, i think different religions can sit together ok if they are loosely held but if one is to be dogmatic or fundamentalist about it then you'd better be making sure the spouse agrees
ReplyDeleteas for sex.....plenty seem to get by without it, some might even be happy that way but i think it's pretty fundamental.
do you know the old saying that sex is 90% of a bad relationship and 10% of a good one?
"i think different religions can sit together ok if they are loosely held"
ReplyDeleteWell, of course, a belief that is not deeply held is not deeply lived, and is therefore not a problem.
"plenty seem to get by without it, some might even be happy that way but i think it's pretty fundamental."
Then we agree. Question answered, is it not? I would guess that most couples would value sexuality a lot more early on, but that it might dissolve into something more akin to cuddling in later years, so what might be a deal breaker in one period might not in another.
Whether to have children is something else that no amount of dedication or communication can resolve if one person wants them and the other doesn't.
The handling of money is another such issue, and God help a neat freak who marries a pig because such an issue will NEVER be completely resolved. Then there is diet. How about a vegan who thinks that killing animals is murder and would never agree having meat in his home (that's pretty nearly how I am) versus someone who places an exceedingly high value upon a good steak cooked by herself?
Values matter. Love, communication, even dedication can not make for a happy relationship if people's core values differ radically unless, as so often happens, one of the two people says, "Screw values, I want you." The trouble with this approach is that it shows an appalling lack of integrity and seldom lasts anyway.
If love is a condition of a relationship and love is a grown thing then yes I think any two people can tend the garden together. But there is more to every relationship and the one that, in my mind, is most important is the willingness of both people to forgive.
ReplyDeleteEveryone makes errors and has lapses in judgments and if there is willingness to move past the errors rather than hold on to them and make chains of them, then there is quite a good chance that the couple becomes a single unit. Not out of obligation born by time but rather because that vine of love has born fruit.
oooooh.... very interesting. Depends on both people in so many ways.
ReplyDeletewalking man,
ReplyDeletei agree, it cant work without forgiveness.
thanks for dropping by and contributing!
omchelsea :)
ReplyDeletenice to see you back here
Kylie, you left my blog! I am so sorry if I offended you as I very much valued your visits.
ReplyDeletesnow, you wont get rid of me that easily
ReplyDelete