Sometimes I feel as though I live in a different world to others. I remember a colleague long ago telling me that she liked her nails with pink polish and cut in the squarish shape that was fashionable then but her husband liked them oval and French manicured. I looked down and her nails were oval and French manicured. I wondered why on earth she did what he wanted when it was such a small issue. Then again, I guess we could say it wasn't a large concession so she did what pleased him.
Recently I heard of a woman trying on new glasses. She picked a pair she liked and sent a photo to her husband. He didn't like them. She changed her hair and sent a picture with the same glasses. He thought the "new" glasses much more flattering. It's a funny story but it left me questioning:
If he didn't like them with the different hair, would she have bought them?
How many hair styles would she have tried before she convinced him?
Why did she even ask if she was then going to manipulate the situation to get t he answer she wanted?
Or maybe I'm taking it too seriously because she was just showing him different looks as part of the ongoing conversation a couple has. It doesn't really matter what her agenda was, the story is just to say that sometimes I'm shocked by just how differently I view things.
You and me both Kylie lol.....I don't think we are alone either!
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm selfish but I can't remember ever asking The Golfer if he liked this that or the other even when we were first together.
It's always been - my glasses my hair my nails my clothes my choice - not because I don't want to know what he thinks, I'm too independent to need that 'seal of approval'. There wouldn't be any point in him saying he didn't like it because I'd just go ahead with whatever anyway ( unless it was harmful of unsafe that is)
Cathy
I feel as though this kind of thing is more common in young women who are still finding thier feet but I just can't imagine doing it now, at my age.
Delete"My choice" for the win!!!
I agree with you. Why do women pay so much attention to what their partner likes or dislikes about their appearance? Jenny asks me for my view on things but in the end usually goes her own way and ignores my opinion! That's a great story about the glasses and the change of hairstyle.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really commenting on what women do but on how foreign it is to me. I wasn't always like that but I am now
DeleteWell I realise that, as a man, I might be unwelcome in this. However it struck me that it would never even have occurred to me when my wife or friends ask me for an opinion on a hairstyle, spectacles, clothes or anything else that they need my approval. Just as I might well ask if something suits me. I would expect an honest answer which might be that the pink spectacles detract from hazel eyes or (as happened to me when a friend was with me when I was buying my first ever pair of jeans (at the age of about 64 or so) when she and the outfitter simply discussed the fit and colour and told me what I should buy. I couldn't see how they fitted on my bum so was quite happy to have their help. If someone is in a controlling relationship (whether male or female) then I have no answer because such a situation is completely anathema to me.
ReplyDeleteI think it's often good to have a second opinion, there's no issue there. Having been through some controlling behaviour I think I an hyper sensitive to anything that looks remotely like it
DeleteI know I am quite stunned when those in partnership allow opinions to dominate. I was shocked today when a friend told me her husband had attended a group she belongs to and resigned her position on a committee when she had not agreed to this and was not present at the meeting!
ReplyDeleteThat to me was a deal breaker but she just accepted it while complaining, of course.
It's called co-dependency, right?
XO
WWW
In my view it's called unacceptable. Why some people accept it is beyond me but, presumably, they have their reasons. Whether it is someone else's duty to judge is a matter of opinion I suppose.
DeleteThat is so far out of range of "acceptable" and the commitee should not have accepted the resignation of someone who was not even present.
DeleteI think of co-dependency as something very seriously dysfunctional, I wonder what else goes on in that relationship?
Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI am not particularly comfortable in my own skin, but it is my skin. And because it IS my skin the decisions are mine to make. I *migh* ask for an opinion but the decision is mine.
On the flip side? I don't like my partner's beard. He does. So it stays. As it should.
The situation Wisewebwoman described sends huge alarm bells ringing for me.
i think there could be a case for "gifting" a partner with an aspect of one's apearance, maybe if your partner was clean shaven for Christmas or something like that...what do you think?
DeleteOn one of his many hospital visits they shaved him. I suspect that will be my only clean shaven gift. Which is fine. He would, for example, prefer that I never got a haircut. Which won't happen.
DeleteAnd there we have it! healthy boundaries!
DeleteI wouldn't want everybody to have a similar view. I like people who will think outside the box.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say I like people who think outside the box but I know there would be times I find it threatening!
DeleteI do ask TheHub for his opinion occasionally mainly because when I look in a mirror I see every single flaw. When he looks he sees the over-all picture, but then he always just says I look fine. . .whatever fine is.
ReplyDeleteI'm not against people asking opinions, it's what couples do.
DeleteAnd if he's telling you good things then bring it on!
Erm... Mr Blue has very little interest in clothes.... and I buy his clothes... and occasionally turn my nose up at his choices. I feel a bit guilty now..... BUT, I do have much better taste than him..... :-)
ReplyDeleteSx
If he isn't interested in clothes he is probably very grateful for your input. Especially if you help him to feel well dressed
DeleteMy late wife and I never asked each other for confirmation of our tastes. Very early in the marriage, I had bought a sari from an area famous for its weave and she told me that in future if I wanted to gift her something, I should simply give her the money and she would buy whatever she wanted! We lived like that for forty years without any disagreements or disapprovals.
ReplyDeleteYou made me laugh a little with this one! Just sometimes it's nice to receive a well chosen gift but I guess she preferred to make her own choices and it saved you the agony of finding the right thing :)
DeleteI found the glasses opinion seeking amusing on a couple of levels.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me there was some game playing going on there or maybe you could call it manipulation.
I also saw it as a case of looking but not seeing, the hair switch may have been a distraction or maybe the husband was needing to call a stop to this whole business.
As for opinion seeking, who cares? Not me.
Alphie
I saw it the same way, Alphie. I might be making a mountain of a molehill but it was all a bit confusing.
DeleteSome people can hardly exist without approval or perpetual reassurance. They have no idea what it means to "be yourself".
ReplyDeleteThose people don't know who "them self" is!
DeleteWhile a second opinion can be useful (and thoughtful) I have always known my own mind. Even if I looked like Phylis Diller when I went out, if I thought I looked good I went. I remember being shocked when I was just 18 and still living in England and I asked a casual female acquaintance if she wanted to go out one evening since the boyfriends were going off to Spain. When she said "I'll have to ask my boyfriend" I almost fell over. And then my ex husband used to buy me (mostly) terrible clothes as presents. He obviously had no idea of my size and the "sexy" lingerie he got me (you know the stuff with the pompoms on) felt like trying to stuff two watermelons into a thimble. My friend's husband bought her a bunch of clothes too once and they were appalling (but given lovingly I think). She was short and rather plump and this stuff made her look like a beached whale. So one night she put it on for him with all of us there. I swear we nearly peed ourselves!
ReplyDeletelol!! watermelons into a thimble!
DeleteSometimes men continue to view us as the young things they married and gift us accordingly. And that's not such a bad thing
I've always worn exactly what I want, even if my partner and kids hate it. :D Mind you my partner and kids do the same. It's important in life not to care what others think.
ReplyDeletei can't imagine trying to wrangle you into some kind of chinos and collar combo!
DeleteI'd be inclined to think that it might be a case of she and her husband tending to see things in a similar way - AND that it's awfully hard to see yourself as others see you. I'm always surprised when I compare how I look on a video clip to how I look in a still photo. YOu can get some useful advice from someone who isn't spending the entire time staring intently at you in full face...
ReplyDeleteWe do see ourselves in a much harsher light than others do and it's nice to be reassured
DeleteMy ex tried to control what style of clothing I wore and our tastes were really different. I didn't like that and wore what I wanted. He conceded but not too gracefully. Just the suggestion though really put my back up. I've got to be ME!
ReplyDeleteWhen I try to be something other than "ME" it feels very wrong.
Delete