Nick posted about a woman in London who died and lay undiscovered for years so his post has prompted me to think about neighbours.
If you have an exceptional memory for detail, you might remember that about a year ago I mentioned my neighbour Dave. We refer to him as cousin Dave because we are somehow, distantly related. (His mother and I have the same maiden name)
Anyways, Dave has been the bit of local colour: he tells stories, keeps an eye on people's property, puts bins out and is usually up with the goss. He's a likeable kind of fella, he's lived next door for years but it's only in the last two or three that we've spoken to him much.
Dave's stories often seem to be embroidered, like the one about working for one of Sydney's best known publicans or the one about how he was the first person to start using dark grey and blue type colurs on houses when green and cream had been in vogue.
The recent story that he was engaged and would soon be marrying and moving away also seemed far fetched. But it didn't trigger warning bells for me.
He started to look a little more dishevelled than he had and I assumed he was less attentive to his looks because he was working less than before.
When he measured my fence line (because he always had an opinion to give on home improvement projects) and got the measurement wrong, I assumed it was a simple mistake.
When he shook his fist aggressively at my girls as they drove past, they thought he had been drinking.
When he took cherry tomatoes from our vine and called then "cherries" we thought he was being a bit funny.
One time when he seemd to have trouble understanding me, I thought he had a hearing problem rather than a cognitive one.
And then the police showed up and Dave was forcibly taken to hospital. He had failed a cognitive test, his doctor had taken his drivers licence and he was saying he was going to jump in front of a train.
Right now we don't know what is really wrong but his housemate who is a nurse says it looks like early onset dementia. Apparently he's been declining for a while but really crashed over just two or three weeks.
We spoke to Dave a couple of times a week. We cared. We saw the signs but didn't interpret them properly.
It makes me wonder if the guy I saw as "eccentric" was eccentric at all. Maybe I never saw the real Dave.
It's easy to say we live in a horrible world and people don't care but sometimes we just don't know what we are looking at.
I am so sorry to read this. Poor Dave. And poor you. Second guessing ourselves is never fun - and even if you had picked up on the warning signs you couldn't have done anything about it - or I don't think you could.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I couldn't have done anything and I think that's what I'm saying: there is usually someone paying attention but it can't save every situation
DeleteI am so sorry, but I understand missing the signs. My sister and I look backward at signs Mom displayed a couple of years before her rapid cognitive decline started
ReplyDeleteHindsight is always better!
DeleteMy mother was displaying strange behavior similar to what her mother had during her decline into dementia. I called my cousin to tell her I did not know what to do. My cousin was close to Mama and my cousin was ten years older that I, so I relied on her for this problem. Well, I never heard another word from my cousing. Nothing. Finally, about ten years later, I realized my mother was going through menopause when she was acting in a manner unlike herself. I guess we assign labels to what we see even if we are wrong.
ReplyDeleteYou could not help that. How old is he? I hope he gets proper help.
Yes, we assign labels according to our understanding which won't always lead us in the right direction
DeleteYes, it looks like dementia, which is a shame when not so long ago he was a cheerful, friendly, amusing soul.
ReplyDeleteI think it's particularly tough because he's pretty much alone in the world
DeleteSorry to read this, Kylie, I guess with neighbours it's a case of take them as you find them. It's difficult to spot cognitive problems early on unless you know a person well.
ReplyDeleteSx
yes, i think even when we know a person well, there can be uncertainty
DeleteThings get complicated along the way.
ReplyDeleteyes, the best of intentions and efforts aren't always going to get results
DeleteSome people don't even spot the early signs of dementia in close family members so it's no surprise you weren't aware of his declining health. It's so sad though especially as he hasn't got any family members to support him.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine his fear
DeleteWe wondered about my mom's behavior long before it became clear that it was dementia. We thought depression over aging, we thought loneliness leading to wanting to be the centre of attention ... and it wasn't until she missed paying her house insurance and she got me involved in calling the company that we had a better idea of the root of the behavior. People can hide "mind problems" very well as they begin the downward slide. Maybe Dave failed so dramatically the last few weeks due to another health issue such as an infection, even something as common as a urinary tract infection. At the nursing home where my dad lived, a urine test was done on anyone who started having erractic or unusual behavior because it was so often the cause. Anyway, I am glad Dave is getting help. There is no way you could have known what was going on with no baseline to compare to. Keep us updated if you can?
ReplyDeleteI think Dave probably did manage to hide his problems quite well and though we spoke to him quite frequently, we weren't close enough to really know what was happening.
DeleteI do understand that it can be very difficult to figure out what's going on with people, even his housemate said that she couldn't tell until he spent two weeks on a job he would normally do in a day.
I will try to update :)
That's very sad Kylie and you are right. People are reluctant to interfere in the lives of others and we don't know what's going on in their lives.
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle, This post started because of a story who died unnoticed and I think the same thing could happen if it was my neighbour. Not because I wouldn't care but because I tend not to notice other people's habits
DeleteIt's something I had to deal with in a very close friend Kylie and it's so very difficult to find the opening gambit when there's some obvious slippage. Some are very sensitive and have been known to go off in high dudgeon at the merest suggestion of some cognitive failure. And also it could be intimidating or threatening. The doc took care of the situation. But there's very little you could have done.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
Such sudden discoveries about our neighbours seem now to be the rule rather than the exception here too. My immediate neighbours, a son who lived on the first floor and his father who lived on the ground, died within a year from each other. We had no idea that either had any medical problems.
ReplyDeleteRamana, in the US, the floor that sets on the ground is called the first floor, the floor above that floor the second floor and so on. If there's a floor under the ground, it's called the basement. It seems that these things are labeled differently where you are, and probably where Kylie is also. Is that your impression?
DeleteWhat a tale! I remember you writing about him before, and he seemed eccentric but rather nice too.
ReplyDeleteHe is one of those rough diamond types!
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