Dying to Know Day

 

After attending a "death cafe" some time back, I was put on the mailing list for similar events in future, which was how I happened to be invited to a "Compassionate Communities" event on Dying to Know Day, last week.

The idea of Compassionate Communities is that we should all, as "ordinary" people, be involved in caring for people at the end of life, their care givers and the bereaved. Patients and care givers only spend 5% of their time (whether at home or in hospital) with a trained carer, which leaves 95% of their time open to other forms of support.

The event seemed to be attended mostly by networking professionals and groups were encouraged to talk about subjects such as: what supports are currently available? and where are the gaps?  Probably important topics for the professionals to get their heads around but there was no direction on how we can get the "Average Jo or Joe" to be more proactive in supporting people in this vulnerable time. There was no discussion of why people are not already stepping up for family, neighbours, workmates or friends; no discussion of how we can teach people what they need to know; no discussion of volunteer programs or community groups or anything at all useful in the quest to provide more support. The night was interesting but without any real direction, I wouldn't go again.

There were some conversations that took my attention.

The first regarded the coroners office, which investigated the death of a very small child. The coroner didn't tell the family that once the investigation was complete, the family could take their baby home with them. The person relaying the story was deeply critical that this family's cultural need to bring the child home was not recognised. Do you know you can bring a loved one home after death, or keep them at home if that's where they are?

One lady described her deep and unexpected grief over a pet cat, such that she could never again have a pet but was happy to channel her love into injured wildlife for the next 40 years. Do we see the loss of pets as a genuine loss? And do any of us ever really know how each loss will impact us?

A grief counsellor told us that bereaved people sometimes look to the church for comfort and are then hurt when people say things like "your loved on is in a better place" or "your loved one is with their spouse now" This one is interesting because these kinds of remarks do have the effect of minimising the loss but they also express the basics of Christian faith: that part of us lives on after we die and that the undying part of us will be reunited with those we care about. I don't want to minimise the losses people experience but I wonder why people would look to the church for comfort if that is not the exact type of comfort they seek and expect?

Someone commented that they are always sad when grief counsellors are sent to assist when a community such as a school or sporting club experiences a death or disaster. The speaker said she would love it if communities were able to support each other. I think communities do support each other when things go bad. I think communities like this know each other well, understand common values, understand exactly who they are mourning and what made those people valuable. I also think that counsellors are sent to help these kinds of communities because sometimes it's easier to talk to an "outsider" and sometimes a community which has been blindsided by grief needs someone who has a full emotional tank, an ability to go away and rest, and some education in what is normal.

What about your grief journeys has been the most surprising? Was there any one thing that was memorably super helpful or super awful?