An Aged Care Tale

 A man phoned, asking to do a tour of the facility (lets call him Gary)

On the appointed day, Gary came in with his mum Edith and brother Rick. I said hello to Edith, shook Gary's hand and then moved to Rick. His handshake was unenthusiastic and he didn't give me any eye contact.

I did my standard tour with my standard patter and then took the family into a quiet room for a conversation. I explained the process from enquiry to admission and then asked if the family had a timeline in mind. Most families are looking at discharge from hospital into aged care and the timeline is "as fast as we can" but Edith wasn't in hospital and seemed to me to be quite capable (although some capable looking people are deceivingly needy)

Gary said he didn't have a timeline in mind but would be guided by Edith. I looked directly at Edith and asked if she felt ready for aged care.  She stumbled over her words a little and said she would be guided by "the boys." Trying to help her find her voice I said "but you probably have an opinion?" 

Edith told me that she married at 20 and her husband had made the decisions from the time of their marriage until he died. She also talked about how she enjoyed living in her own home and when necessary she had the support of Rick who lived with her. Then she made some throw away comment about having disagreements with an adult child. I was a bit taken aback so I laughed and made my own throw away line "Oh, just argue!"

I decided I couldn't push her further and let them know that we would welcome her if she decided that aged care was what she wanted.

Management advised me that Edith would make an ideal resident and asked me to offer the next available bed so I called Gary and he told me that Edith wasn't ready yet but then he said "I wanted to thank you for the pastoral care" I asked what pastoral care "When you told mum to argue. The truth is, Mum and Rick can't stand each other and I was trying to find a way for her to have some peace for the end of her life"

I don't think I will ever forget Edith, nearly 90 and still unable to live her own life. The great shame of it is, she wouldn't be the only one.