Some time ago I mentioned my sadness and confusion over the loss of a friendship after taking a trip away together.
I found the whole thing extra painful because the friend involved continued sending her Wordle results to me every day but made no effort toward any further contact.
I struggled to understand why the Wordle bothered me so much and eventually managed to articulate it: I felt like the Wordle was the token gesture so that if anything was ever said about the loss of the relationship the answer would be "but I sent the Wordle every day"
I felt that I'd been completely sidelined but with a cover story to make me look like I was over sensitive or just plain demanding.
And then I came across a Psychology Today description of Paperclipping:
- Paperclipping" comes from Clippy, that early 2000s Microsoft paperclip figure that would ask questions.
- It is a way of maintaining contact with you to keep you on the backburner as a possible option.
- Typically, it will consist of periodic short questions and other messages via text or other messaging app.
In all cases, paperclipping can allow a person to keep a door open with you as a potential future backup, since you currently are not enough of a priority for, you know, real deeper conversation or actual action to further the relationship. Basically, you are not that important to that person right now but you may have more value to them in the future.
Oh well, I feel less crazy now.
Less crazy perhaps but the sadness (and in my case at least a smidge of anger) remains.
ReplyDeleteQuite a lot of anger if I'm honest.
DeleteOne day I'll get over it
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
DeleteOMG Kylie, this has happened to me. A disastrous trip to Dublin and Paris with a long time friend who behaved abominably towards me on the trip and to my friends where we were staying. She sends me clippings from magazines or articles, etc. But nothing else. I did respond a few times and then got fed up with the impersonal behaviour she was exhibiting. I called is passive aggression.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
WWW, in my case there was some friction on the trip but not enough to end a friendship.
DeleteClippings from magazines, eh? sounds like the exact same thing. I'm sorry it happened to you as well.
There are many aspects to relationships. It's hard to let go and many times we don't know what happened.
ReplyDeleteRed, I feel like I can't afford to lose friends but of course I don't have any say over it
DeleteMaybe she was never really your friend or only wanted a friendship on her terms. I had a guy do that to me. He would just send me hymns, poems, and flowers by email. I told him that no conversation, just these items were not a friendship. So, he would say hello and send something, really no conversation. So, I told him to quit contacting me. A female friend that I dropped did the same thing as though she could convince me to be there for her after all. It was all too weird. Sort of the opposite.
ReplyDeleteI am never ready to continue a 'friendship' just in case the person needed me in the future.
It's nice to know that it happens to others.
DeleteI don't know what to do with this one, continue to respond briefly to the brief messages or just ignore them
That's a good explanation. Some things in life we are just not meant to understand.
ReplyDeleteThe paper clip thing in Word used to annoy me, especially when it would pop up and say, 'It looks like you are writing a letter'.
The paper clip thing really was annoying, though i used to like being able to ask for help at times.
DeleteI like that term. I think we have all had friend/s who dropped us like a hot potato but keep impersonally in touch. I had rather them just cut the cord totally.
ReplyDeleteI thought I may have been unreasonable to feel this way. Apparently it's pretty normal. Thanks for your thoughts Anne
DeleteIt's a sort of teasing, isn't it? The suggestion that you're still a friend while not making any serious attempt to renew the friendship. Weird.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like teasing, yes.
DeleteQuick question - Do you send your Wordle result to her? I have a Wordle buddy - sometimes we add a couple of funny words to the score - we rarely exchange only the score. But maybe you can build on this fragile connection to find out what happened.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually not entirely convinced by the paper clipping theory.
Sx
Scarlet, I thought that and i do sometimes send it. I sometimes add a little message or comment. They are always answered with an emoji.
DeleteI suspect that often paperclipping is not done consciously, so I agree with you there
I think she still cares about you. It's not as ruthless as putting you on hold until she needs you, I'm sure it's not.
DeleteSx
She is a kinder person than the way the article describes it.
DeleteI suspect she's uncomfortable with the way the trip went and feels a need to create distance
I did try to talk about it
ReplyDeleteFickle friends are not the same as true friends, not by a long way.
ReplyDeleteI misunderstood this one, I think. Maybe she is saying the same about me
DeleteI’m late to the party (and haven’t read all the comments) but I wonder if she’s a little embarrassed by what happened yet doesn’t know how to say so - she obviously doesn’t want to sever the link between the two of you. It is just between the two of you and you’re not receiving it because it’s part of a ‘group comparison’.
ReplyDeleteCathy, I might be overthinking it all. Maybe her mental health has declined. I wouldn't know that because I haven't been able to see her
DeleteWow, thanks for this information.
ReplyDeleteI feel that I am doing exactly this to a friend of mine. Like you, I don’t think I have enough friends to just throw away, but she has been repeating things said to her in confidence, so I no longer trust her with anything beyond boring and banal stuff.
Why is it so hard for women to be friends?
Thanks for visiting!
DeleteI believe women can be wonderful friends:loyal, funny, supportive and wise.
I think we expect more than men do and take it harder when things go wrong but I think female friendships can be the best you'd ever hope for