Saturday, 7 June 2008

Forgive & Forget

In Victorian times the white tulip was said to symbolise forgiveness.

In his regular "Weekend Wandering " question David of Authorblog asks "Do you believe in Forgive & Forget?"

My first thought is to define "forgive & forget".

I feel that I have truly forgiven a person only if I have understood why they did what they did, if I have been able to empathise with them. If this is to be my definition of forgiveness I will never be able to forgive when I am unable to understand.

I have decided that this is a rather flawed model: psychology teaches us that forgiving is good for us and we know that the people who most need to forgive are those who have suffered the most, the people who probably have no hope of empathising with their foe, victims of horrible crimes or senseless wars, victims of abuse or negligence.

So how do I better define forgiveness? Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines forgiveness: "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for"

Good definition, very big ask.

The next part of the equation: "forget" would seem to ask the impossible. A traumatic experience sears itself onto our spirit, our mind and our body. Is it possible to forget? Is it possible to undo the physical changes in our brains that produce memory? No, I don't believe it is.

At this point it would seem that I can't believe in forgive and forget. I have chosen a difficult definition of forgiveness, I have declared forgetting impossible but still I have to say that I believe in forgive and forget.

I believe that I must relinquish anger, I must let go of pain, I must refrain from expecting to even the score, I must stop shouting "It's not fair" and I must move forward.

One of the great truths I have learned, one which now seems blatantly obvious but which took me some time to learn, is that love is not so much an emotion (though it is that, too) but love is an action. All of the emoting, all of the warm, fuzzy feelings in the world count little if love is not acted on and when I don't feel love I should show it anyway. There is a whole new discussion in that idea but it leads me to the conclusion that "forgive & forget" is the same. I might not feel empathy, I might not be able to understand the action I need to forgive, I might be hurt and angry but I can choose to act in a way that demonstrates principles of forgiveness. I can choose not to bring up old arguments, I can choose not to revisit past indiscretions. I might not feel forgiveness but I can display it anyway.

After all of that I can remember that I am asked to forgive not once, not two, three or four times but seventy times seven times. There should be no limit on forgiveness.

The principle of "forgive & forget" is an incredibly difficult one to actually live by. I don't really think that it is always humanly possible to forgive and forget. I don't think it is normal or natural to forgive but I do believe that it is what I should strive for. I do believe that with an effort of will, exercise of discipline and the assistance of the supernatural ( who I call God ) it is possible and preferable to forgive and forget. I won't manage it all the time but I might save myself some grief if I try and if I can get it right even sometimes, I might avoid giving other people grief. I'll certainly become a better person by trying and if all goes well I have plenty of time to practice.

13 comments:

  1. What an amazing post. I have to mull it over.

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  2. well, Ms Special - wow. I echo what Leah said.

    Forgive and forget - certainly a tricky one, that. I agree with you, that it is humanly impossible to forgive and forget totally. Unless you are a human-android type creature. We may say that we forgive and forget, but there is always a small part of us that doesn't, and possibly secretly keeps it in our little brain cells for reference use only. Sometimes we keep it there to refer to when we do something to that person - we remember it and think 'well, I forgave them for that, so surely they can forgive me for this?', and it would stay in our heads, maybe only for that purpose. It also depends on how strongly you have been betrayed and by whom. There have been times when I haven't forgiven a person (well, a couple of people :-)), and it stayed with me for a long time, until it got so bad that I had to do something about it. I was in Japan and going through a lot of emotional changes. I decided to physically forgive them, and I sent a letter that just read 'I forgive you'. I felt tons better, and to think of it now, I've forgotten what we argued about. Therefore, my conclusion is that we can consciously forgive, but we can only unconsciously forget, and only when we've forgotten can true forgiveness take place, because we've forgotten all about it!
    Does that make sense?? :-)
    luv ya hun, great post!!

    Pxxx

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  3. Yes, it is difficult the forgetting bit! I get stuck at times! Mean well though!

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  4. My husband and I discussed this one at length. He's Catholic, and I'm Jewish, and he was saying that as a Catholic one tries to live in imitation of Christ, but may never actually achieve that perfection. To that end, actions may suffice--loving and forgiving through action--and maybe that's realistic. I have to say, I liked that take on it. I can honestly say I've forgiven all the big wrongs done to me in my life--and initially, it was through action (ie, overcoming estrangement, etc.), but over time the truer forgiveness followed, for me, in the form of softened memories of the wrong...

    What you said, Peter, did make sense.

    Obviously this was a timely post. Our little corner of the blogosphere is having a bit of an explosion! I say let's all move on from it...

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  5. p.s. i.e., I guess, hubby and I are agreeing with what you said, Kylie, that "love is an action"--which is a very sensible idea.

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  6. yep, i think we're all saying the same thing a different way....sometimes you have to just do the action regardless of the feeling.
    it's a scientiffic fact that our minds will follow our actions....leah and peter you have both proven that.
    i think it can take a long time for our feelings to catch up with our actions but at least whhile we're acting with forgiveness we're limiting the damage done to all involved

    i didnt mean to be such a sermoniser.....just thinking "aloud"

    love to all

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  7. Special,

    I love your thinking aloud.....

    I thought I had more to say, but that's about it!!

    luv ya hun,
    Peej xx

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  8. grrr, stupid double posting! I shall erase one, as it's exactly the same!

    Sorry and oops!!

    Px

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  9. Wonderful post Kylie. Very thought provoking. I do believe in forgive and forget. Forgiving is easier than forgetting however. Why? I don't know. Perhaps because the brain is reluctant to forget. Forgetting clings like velcro. You know what I mean? It's hard to shake off, hard to get rid of...it just is. It's something that sticks around and doesn't relent. Like extra luggage! No matter how hard you try, it's still there.

    I'm a very forgiving person and don't understand those who aren't. I mean really, how much effort does it take! Forgetting...that's another matter. Memories are hard to erase, but time passes, memories fad and life goes on. As Linda Elerby says..."And so it goes." I believe that's true.

    Thank you for this one. I love you, Suze XO

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  10. That was mee sweetie. I posted twice.

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  11. When did me start being spelled mee?

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  12. Great post Kylie..
    Forgiving is easy forgetting is hard at times...
    ((hugs))
    bindi

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  13. I'm sorry to say that I actually struggle with forgiving. I'm not so sure I struggle with the forgetting part too much though. Where did I put my keys? Have you seen my cell phone. I know I laid the bank statement on the desk, why isn't it there? No, I'm sorry, this was a very serious and though provoking post, and I shall work harder on the forgiving part, because when you harbor bad feelings, it just causes your soul to grow black, and soon you have forgotten why you hate, but you just can't stop hating.

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