Poems this week

Soft words, gentle touch,

oxytocin highs make bub 

and safely birth bub

 

Hotel Rwanda

Harrowing true genocide

and deep, selfless love

 

Far away bike zooms,

distant dog barks, birds chirp.

Peaceful dawn soundtrack.

 

 

54.

Icey drink, luxe mag

Sweet, crunchy almond shortbread

makes shopping worth it.

Poem 49

 

Poem 42 - Valentine

No words or actions

offend my sweet, loving dog.

Precious valentine

Poem 19

Love joins friends across

years, oceans, circumstances.

Suspending distance.

"The more you have, the more you are occupied. The less you have, the more free you are"

i am on another cycle of not going to work and being at home seems to keep me well occupied. today i decided i would try to rationalise some boxes of "stuff" from my wardrobe. i haven't looked at the stuff or years so i should be able to just bin it but you know how that goes, dont you?
i have a look and find all kinds of things that i'm not quite sure what to do with: a bag full of ribbon & lace from the sewing box of my grandmother, dead twenty years. silver cake forks black with tarnish could be beautiful but i dont live in a way that really appreciates those genteel accessories. there are photos and cards from my courting days, cards welcoming new babes, postcards never sent, random bits of stationery, the first fathers day card i gave my husband, reels of cotton, paper clips, outmoded cookbooks......

maybe i can get two boxes down to one?

saudade

i discovered this new word this week, it's portugese and it is defined by wiki :

"a somewhat melancholic feeling of incompleteness. It is related to think back situations of privation due to the absence of someone or something, to move away from a place or thing, or to the absence of a set of particular and desirable experiences and pleasures once lived".

 

or defined by kylie:

"missing something or someone. a lot."

i like this word, it sounds so much better than "homesick" or " i miss you/him/her" or even "nostalgia"

 

and it's multi-purpose to encompass lost love, missing family, missing home or friends or circumstance.

when have you felt the effect of saudades?

the secret in their eyes

do you ever watch a film and feel as if you are missing something? the secret in their eyes was one of those movies for me. reviews describe it as rich with symbolism so maybe i can forgive myself, it's obviously a multi-layered story and if i watch it again i might do better but now for my initial impressions .....

the protagonist, benjamin esposito, is a retired detective trying to find closure to a twenty five year old murder through writing a novel and at the same time he is revisiting his unrequited love for his supervisor on the case, irene menendez.

the story of the murder and enquiry was possibly a tiny bit far fetched but truth is stranger than fiction and altogether i thought it was a marvellous story. i was especially delighted with the way that esposito and menendez got their killer to confess.

the part that i cant get out of my head though, is the sub-plot, the romance. right through the investigation we know that benjamin is pretty mad about irene but is intimidated by her position. we see her wishing him to act on it but she doesn't make it clear and the opportunity is lost when she marries someone else.

when he retires and starts writing his novel he goes to see her about it. it is clear that she has a good life, she enjoys her career, adores her children and is happy. then, and i'm still hazy on how it happens, we understand that she is prepared to dismantle all of that to be with him.

the romantic in me loves, no LOVES it but it begs some questions:

the "relationship" was mostly non-existent, how does she know she wants to dismantle a life for something so untested?

how much does she owe her husband who we must assume has been a good partner?

how much does she owe her children?

is it reasonable to dismantle a perfectly good life for the sake of a grand passion?

is it reasonable not to?

crazy in love, madly in love, love sick, love struck, love is blind

out for dinner on the weekend, there was some talk about two newly minted "couples" and i was amazed when somebody commended these couples for approaching their new romances sensibly

sensible?

really?

i mean, i know they are new relationships. i know we all need to keep our eyes open. i know they might not be in love yet (or ever) but it had me gobsmacked. it seems to me that a relationship that starts as sensible is incredibly sad. young lovers, whether they stay together or not, have a lifetime to be sensible. young people look forward to bills and work, children and family, responsibility heaped upon obligation and all of those things have their own rewards but they all require us to be sensible.

i know that love doesn't always bowl us over, sometimes it will sneak up quietly but in my mind new love will always include some degree of insanity, some feeling of being overwhelmed and out of control, a sense that we are unwitting targets of cupids arrow

Forgive & Forget

In Victorian times the white tulip was said to symbolise forgiveness.

In his regular "Weekend Wandering " question David of Authorblog asks "Do you believe in Forgive & Forget?"

My first thought is to define "forgive & forget".

I feel that I have truly forgiven a person only if I have understood why they did what they did, if I have been able to empathise with them. If this is to be my definition of forgiveness I will never be able to forgive when I am unable to understand.

I have decided that this is a rather flawed model: psychology teaches us that forgiving is good for us and we know that the people who most need to forgive are those who have suffered the most, the people who probably have no hope of empathising with their foe, victims of horrible crimes or senseless wars, victims of abuse or negligence.

So how do I better define forgiveness? Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines forgiveness: "to give up resentment of or claim to requital for"

Good definition, very big ask.

The next part of the equation: "forget" would seem to ask the impossible. A traumatic experience sears itself onto our spirit, our mind and our body. Is it possible to forget? Is it possible to undo the physical changes in our brains that produce memory? No, I don't believe it is.

At this point it would seem that I can't believe in forgive and forget. I have chosen a difficult definition of forgiveness, I have declared forgetting impossible but still I have to say that I believe in forgive and forget.

I believe that I must relinquish anger, I must let go of pain, I must refrain from expecting to even the score, I must stop shouting "It's not fair" and I must move forward.

One of the great truths I have learned, one which now seems blatantly obvious but which took me some time to learn, is that love is not so much an emotion (though it is that, too) but love is an action. All of the emoting, all of the warm, fuzzy feelings in the world count little if love is not acted on and when I don't feel love I should show it anyway. There is a whole new discussion in that idea but it leads me to the conclusion that "forgive & forget" is the same. I might not feel empathy, I might not be able to understand the action I need to forgive, I might be hurt and angry but I can choose to act in a way that demonstrates principles of forgiveness. I can choose not to bring up old arguments, I can choose not to revisit past indiscretions. I might not feel forgiveness but I can display it anyway.

After all of that I can remember that I am asked to forgive not once, not two, three or four times but seventy times seven times. There should be no limit on forgiveness.

The principle of "forgive & forget" is an incredibly difficult one to actually live by. I don't really think that it is always humanly possible to forgive and forget. I don't think it is normal or natural to forgive but I do believe that it is what I should strive for. I do believe that with an effort of will, exercise of discipline and the assistance of the supernatural ( who I call God ) it is possible and preferable to forgive and forget. I won't manage it all the time but I might save myself some grief if I try and if I can get it right even sometimes, I might avoid giving other people grief. I'll certainly become a better person by trying and if all goes well I have plenty of time to practice.

Sex and Housework

Ah, now this is a post I've had in mind for ages.
I keep seeing media reports telling men that there's some new study out which confirms that if they did more housework they'd get more sex.
It annoys me intensely.

Obviously lots of academics do lots of in depth studies to get this information but (and it's not the but you expect) it's missing the point.

Yes, if fellas did more housework their women would be less tired and perhaps more in the mood.
Yes, if women felt less burdened and less resentful they might feel more like a bit of partying.

So whats wrong with this theory? Its not all about housework.
A bloke needs to find out what his girl needs and give her that.I may be the only woman on earth who doesn't find a man doing housework a turn-on but I doubt it.

I read a book called "The Five Love Languages" It basically explains that people express love and feel loved in five ways:

• physical touch
• quality time
• gift giving
• acts of service
• affirmation

We all like all of them and we should all use all of them but everybody has a preference.

Housework is an act of service, so for a woman who wants affirmation the housework might be appreciated but it might also fall short of a turn-on. Sweet nothings, anyone?

On the other hand, if your sweetie favours acts of service as her love language a bit of washing up might be just what the doctor ordered !

I wouldn't want to discourage guys from pulling their weight on the domestic front and full on laziness will eventually be an irritation to anybody but I wish that housework wouldn't be presented as the Holy Grail. It's just not that simple.

Use all of the love languages and mostly use the one that is preferred by your partner.

PS: If the theory of love languages here doesn't give enough info post a comment....don't forget, someone wrote a whole book about it so my basic overview is bound to be a bit less than adequate.

OOLF: Mediterranean Chicken tonight...one to do again.

60 Words

I was listening to an author being interviewed on radio recently.
During the course of the interview he told a story about being invited to write 60 words to be printed on Starbucks' coffee cups. ( What he wrote was so unacceptable to the public and so many complaints received that all of the cups printed with his quote were destroyed.......but that's another story)
I was busy enjoying the story until he referred to the 60 words as "my offering to the world"It got me thinking......what 60 words would I offer the world?
What 60 words would you offer the world?
What 60 words could really make a difference?
Would I like to provoke thought?or just lighten somebody's day?

My first bit of wisdom is not mine at all but borrowed from Shakespeare. It's such a great line though, most of us could learn from it:

"Love is not love that alters when alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove"

Stay tuned .......