Rambling....

"Your deepest fears guard your greatest strengths"

I read that today and it got me thinking...
What are my deepest fears? My greatest strengths?
How does a person even know what their deepest fear is?

I think that our greatest fears are probably so much part of our essential selves that we possibly don't even recognise them unless we are brought face to face with them.
In trying to imagine what my deepest fear might be I recalled the times when I experienced physical symptoms. Fear is renowned for it's effect on the body so I didn't have to think too much to remember times when my gut churned and gurgled and just a couple of times when I was actually paralysed.
The paralysis happened when the life of myself or one of my children appeared to be in immediate and serious danger. No surprises there, life is quite a strength.
The gut churning moments I can remember relate mostly to less immediate physical dangers to myself or my family.

Serious injury, illness and death are no brainers in the causes of fear but what I'm still wondering is: what else scares me?
I'm always scared if I'm called to the bosses office, that makes some sense: the ability to earn is a strength.
I'm scared of heights, what does that tell me about my strengths? Not too much, I fear.
I don't like change too much. What strength is that guarding?

What fears do I have that I haven't recognised?
And what might they tell me about myself?
What about you?

I'm Grateful.....

This week I have determined that I should collect all of my awards. When I think I have done that I'll let you know and if I have forgotten any you can let me know.

Bindi graciously bestowed this pretty award on me so I thought I'd make it true by practicing some gratitude.

Today I'm grateful for

• the sound of rain outside
• a job that allows me some flexibility
• a warm bed
• people to laugh with
• enough money for all that we need and much of what we want
• good health
• a beautiful bunch of dahlias on the coffee table
• the Tomboy's relentless joie de vivre
• the Princess's regular gifts to me....little letters & drawings and such like. The Tomboy will be offended if I don't recognise her offerings here, they're also wonderful.
• Dimples' general sweetness and exceptional potential
• No.1 son for our shared humour and his consistent appreciative eating of whatever I put in front of him
• the unwavering love of my "original" family

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
Maori Proverb

What is the most important thing you have ever lost?

I saw this question at Beautiful World (Bindi) and decided to take up the challenge of writing a post. The question was originally asked by David McMahon of authorblog and the time to answer might be past but here we go anyway:

I was a childbride, unpolished in character and not lacking in faults. I was sometimes bitchy, mean spirited, complaining. I was caustic at times and short tempered. I shouted at the kids and I procrastinated. I was disorganised and easily distracted from the task at hand. I didn't put my shoes away, I forgot to pay bills, I didn't cook enough food or I didn't put enough care in to it.
And I lost the respect of my husband.
He stopped talking to me and I lost companionship. I unwittingly undermined him with the kids and I lost a co-parent. He didn't want my company and refused to go out so I lost the opportunity to go places, to see things, to travel. I didn't have a willing companion for going to the movies, for eating out, for concerts or the theatre. I lost the richness of life. I lost joy. I lost intimacy. I lost love.
I lost the respect of my husband.

On Faith

A couple of weeks back Cecile asked the question "explain briefly how you are able to maintain your faith, what your faith is, or why you lack faith. "

Since then I have spent many hours pondering this question. I have considered it in the context of what I have been taught in church and I have tried to divorce my answer from the church, I have considered it as an intellectual question and as a personal one. I have had many, many thoughts on the subject and I have written , re-written and started over.

I'm not sure if I'm going to even come close to answering the question but I think I will tell you my story up to this point.

I was born and raised in the church and I accepted it's teaching and doctrine from the time I was tiny. As I developed more independent thought I asked the same questions that everyone else does. Why is there suffering? Is there really a God? Have I been conned?

I recognise truth and goodness in Christianity so even when I can't make it all fit properly I am determined not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. When faith and life seem to be contradictory and adequate answers seem thin on the ground I put the questions aside and focus on the bits I know to be good. I don't neccessarily think that this is a noble approach (more thought required here, methinks) but it's the way it works for me and the conundrums of faith seem to gradually iron themselves out.

A couple of ideas I have been working on lately have perhaps revolutionised my experience of a life of faith:

Some time ago I watched a doco where a group of women went to live for a time with an enclosed order of nuns. The part of the documentary that lives in my memory was where a nun said to one of these women "think of God as the love that you have in your life right now"
Read it slowly. It's the bumpersticker "God is love" reworked to remove the cliched feeling and give it back some meaning.

The second idea is incredibly basic but it took me a very long time to comprehend: it is a fundamental principle of Christianity that we exist in order to glorify God.

When I combine these two ideas I come up with a statement that says something like "Our purpose in life is to glorify the power of love/goodness" or maybe "Our reason for being is to expand the territory of the force for good"

When I express faith in that way it sounds so simple but it means so much.
For example, it immediately answers the question of why there is suffering: in the face of trouble and hardship we have infinitely more scope to exemplify goodness and love than what we have when things are easy and nice. To love in the face of difficulty is meaningful, to love in easy times is, well, easier.
To live for the expansion of good is a tall order if I am to be consistent about it.

So, how do I maintain faith? I can find no other way to make sense of life so even when faith is difficult there isn't really an alternative. My faith ultimately requires that I choose to see the great gifts of life as God's gifts and the small "strokes of luck" as God's gifts. It requires that I choose to see hardship as opportunity for good. It requires that I become a better person and sometimes it gives me enough hope to keep putting one foot in front of the other when I'd probably rather not bother.

I could have sworn I had more to say but it eludes me now so throw your comments at me and we'll see where we go from here.

Camel Racing

When the horse flu came to NSW it pretty well crippled the racing industry and the harness racing club at Harold Park started running camel races as a way of recouping some of their losses.
Now that the end to the flu crisis is in sight I realised that the camels won't be racing too many more times and decided to take the kids out there for a night.
Dimples and his father refused to come so the rest of us set out for an adventure. No. 1 son helped out with the navigation ( it's a long time since I've been to that part of the world) He did a superb job and we arrived just after the first race.
I have never been to a racecourse, or in this case paceway, before so that was new. We wandered down and took some seats right at the front.

The camels all had glittery sequin-styled saddle "blankets" and the compere was dressed up in a robe and fez.The camels are quite funny to watch when they race, they tend to swerve across the track, slow down and speed up unpredictably and only stop for their feed bucket.
At one point there was a delay between races so we went to get some drinks and snacks. While we were there I made an entry in a draw to ride a camel.
Some time later I received a phone call to say that my name had been drawn!

I lined up with my competition....a strong, fit young bloke who asked my strategy. My answer "to stay on" was closer to the truth than I could have imagined.
We signed our disclaimers and made our way down to collect our silks. The sight of the ambulance parked near the track suddenly became a bit uncomfortable.

The handlers asked if I had ridden a horse and when I said no they promised me a quiet animal. She had a fantastic glittery purple saddle cloth which was spectacularly fitting with my rainbow silks and lime green cap. The kids called across the track asking me what number I would be riding and I was so excited I couldn't remember how to hold up six fingers!

I hopped on and the handler walked us around for some time. I was waving and blowing kisses to the kids, having a grand old time. The MC announced to the whole crowd that "Kylie hasn't ridden anything for some time" What, do I have a tattoo or something? My camel man kept telling me that I would need to shout at this girl to get her to run.
We started wandering toward the start line and were still a distance away when Mr camel man turned us around, let go of the reins and shouted "GO"!!

My girl started to run, swerved left and my foot slipped out of the stirrup, swerved right and my helmet fell over my eyes.
"Hang on with your legs, hang on with your hands, squeeze with your legs and hang on tight" I told myself. It was like a mantra.
After the longest few seconds of my life she slowed down and I realised that I might just make it to the end. What had that guy said about shouting at her? I couldn't have done that even if I'd wanted to!
After about 15 seconds the race was over. Second last was good enough for me!
I wondered if my legs would hold me when I got down. I dismounted very slowly. It had been utterly terrifying. And exhilarating.
We all shook hands and had a photo. I handed my fabulous silks back and after that there was nothing left but to go home.
I have sore muscles and rainbow bruises to remind me of my stint as a champion camel jockey.
Would I do it again?
Does a camel spit?

eating: red jumbo snakes. yum.

About Me

I have been writing this post for a week, as I thought of what to say, but I'm touching on all this stuff all over the place so I decided to post now, before it is totally redundant. I will finish the 100 facts sometime and re-post........

Suzanne suggested that I tell you 100 things about myself, Mark encouraged a post about our wascaly wabbit, Anzac. I must love talking about myself because I've decided to have a go at that one first. 100 facts? Could be tricky.

1. I have been described as a greenie, a leftie and a social democrat.


2. I have also been described as "subtle as a house brick"


3. I like to imagine myself as a low grade kind of activist for all sorts of causes but the truth is


4. I'm wedded to convenience too much for that.


5. I'm the oldest of three but


6. I'm not a typical high achieving first-born.


7. I work for a small family company who manufacture herbal medicine for sale to practitioners. People always find it hard to understand that they won't find our products in the shops.


8. I do the bottling for them.


9. Believe it or not I like the boring monotony of the job. (mostly, until it's boring and monotonous) It gives me time to think and the rhythm of the job (put a bottle on the machine, take it off, cap it, start over) is meditative.


10. I am a Christian, a Salvationist.


11. I hesitate to say that in case my faith be judged on my imperfection. Fortunately it is easier to do the right thing in cyber-space, then there's the "delete" button for extreme emergencies :)


12. Being a Salvo means I'm tee-total.


13. I have insanely wild, curly hair which could be much better controlled except


14. I hate having "stuff" in my hair and


15. I couldn't be bothered with blow-drying or straighteners.


16. I also couldn't be bothered with manicures, facials and all that stuff so I will never be called "well groomed"
    
17. I sing when I'm happy
    
18. and when I despair
    
19. and less when I'm in the middle.
    
20. I'll sing anything that comes to mind but a lifetime of singing hymns makes them the most regular thing in my head.


21. I'm a bad housekeeper, partly becauseI don't like putting things away. It's boring.
22. I like to read
23. but my reading these days is limited to blogs and Saturday's newspaper.


24. I also love film: romantic comedies, some thrillers, some arthouse, foreign films, short films.....


25. I would never choose to watch action flicks but can really enjoy them if I get sucked in somehow


26. nor do I like fantasy stuff. (yes, that's a direct contradiction to liking romantic comedy, fantasy if ever there was )


27. Can I give up now? 100 things is too much.


28. I go to the chiropractor once a month without fail.


29. I can't remember the last time I went to the doctor.


30. Last time I took antibiotics was 9 years ago when I had major knee surgery.


31. They moved my kneecap to stop it from dislocating.


32. The other kneecap still pops out every couple of years


33. but I don't want the surgery for it. I'm not sure that it's worth it at this stage.


34. Last time it happened I had two ambulances. The regular one wasn't allowed to give me narcotics, so they had to call the guy with the special accreditation.


35. My whole family (my Mum , Dad, brother and Na) all play musical instruments. I can't play any.

Creation and Evolution

A while back I told you that I had heard an interview with UK entertainer Ben Elton and that it had prompted me to think about God. Mr Elton asserted that God should demand intellectual rigor and it was clear that Ben Elton doesn't think that the Big Guy actually does demand rigor.
I wondered how Elton could come to that conclusion and I didn't agree with him but couldn't seem to progress beyond that. Now maybe I can........

I have been raised in the church and studied biology so I have always had to confront the whole creation vs evolution debate. I don't have a scholarly approach and I suspect that a passionate and persuasive scholar from either side of the debate could eat me alive but this is how I look at it.

If we take the the biblical story of creation to be a poetic or metaphorical account rather than a direct retelling it has a reasonable kind of fit with scientific understanding. The Bible includes plenty of poetry, metaphor and imagery so it is possible, maybe even probable, that there is no great need to regard the story in Genesis as completely inflexible.

One of the arguments of the creationists is that our scientific understanding of the world's beginning is flawed and they're right. The scientific community doesn't have a foolproof model and they don't all agree but that doesn't mean that a big bang/ evolution process didn't happen, it just means that we don't have all the puzzle pieces. Maybe God doesn't want us to have them all and He would be in charge, right?

Christians believe in an all powerful God, an incomprehensible, ever present God. We believe in a God who can make a virgin a mother, raise the dead and turn water to wine so why can't we believe that this incompehensible, all powerful being might have made the universe and our earth through a careful and logical process, one that is commonly called evolution?

Christians are called to glorify God. If we choose to believe that the universe was created in an "abracadabra it's there" kind of way, where God clicks his fingers and it's done, how much glory does it bring Him?

If we consider the intricacies of nature, the phenomenal design, the amazing logic, the fine balance, the majesty of it all and then we give the credit to a divine being who thought it all through in a way that no human ever could and made it happen in a seemingly spontaneous fashion doesn't that glorify Him?
If we can catch a glimpse of His mind through our imperfect understanding of our world doesn't that magnify his greatness?

Coming back to Ben Elton's comments: doesn't the scope of this topic alone show that God demands rigor? Only an incomprehensibly amazing intellect could think of all this stuff. He's got a sense of humour too, don't you think that the sight of us all doing backflips over something we just don't understand would be hilarious for Him?

If we insist on a version of a God who works in a magical and miraculous way but never by long, thoughtful and possibly laborious processes aren't we belittling Him?

Sex and Housework

Ah, now this is a post I've had in mind for ages.
I keep seeing media reports telling men that there's some new study out which confirms that if they did more housework they'd get more sex.
It annoys me intensely.

Obviously lots of academics do lots of in depth studies to get this information but (and it's not the but you expect) it's missing the point.

Yes, if fellas did more housework their women would be less tired and perhaps more in the mood.
Yes, if women felt less burdened and less resentful they might feel more like a bit of partying.

So whats wrong with this theory? Its not all about housework.
A bloke needs to find out what his girl needs and give her that.I may be the only woman on earth who doesn't find a man doing housework a turn-on but I doubt it.

I read a book called "The Five Love Languages" It basically explains that people express love and feel loved in five ways:

• physical touch
• quality time
• gift giving
• acts of service
• affirmation

We all like all of them and we should all use all of them but everybody has a preference.

Housework is an act of service, so for a woman who wants affirmation the housework might be appreciated but it might also fall short of a turn-on. Sweet nothings, anyone?

On the other hand, if your sweetie favours acts of service as her love language a bit of washing up might be just what the doctor ordered !

I wouldn't want to discourage guys from pulling their weight on the domestic front and full on laziness will eventually be an irritation to anybody but I wish that housework wouldn't be presented as the Holy Grail. It's just not that simple.

Use all of the love languages and mostly use the one that is preferred by your partner.

PS: If the theory of love languages here doesn't give enough info post a comment....don't forget, someone wrote a whole book about it so my basic overview is bound to be a bit less than adequate.

OOLF: Mediterranean Chicken tonight...one to do again.