On Saturday, I attended a death cafe. It was a free event, sponsored by the local council and the local cemetery.
I arrived early at the community college and was asked to take a seat while the organiser found out which group I was joining.
It didn't take long before my facilitator. Karen, came to usher me to her room.
Under the window, there was a lovely spread of sandwiches, miniature tarts and delicate macarons.
About a dozen chairs were arranged in a semi-circle with a "goodie bag" on each one.
I took a seat while others milled around, chatting to Karen. One woman, lets call her Ingrid, was at pains to present Karen with a book she had written. My mind went back to a rule of thumb some minister had told me: The first person to come up and speak to a minister on their first day with a new congregation is the one who will be the biggest headache, no matter how nice they seem to be.
The morning soon got underway, there was no agenda or format, it was just a forum to discuss whatever aspects of death concerned us. Karen had a particular emphasis on "getting ducks in a row" with regard to documents such as a will, power of attorney, enduring guardianship and end of life plan.
One woman in her fifties was actively planning for her own death, saying that she didn't want her children to have to make difficult decisions at the end of her life or feel obliged to visit a grave which might be distant from where they lived. I was a little shocked that she was so actively organising an end which might be decades away.
One woman described her experience of coming home to find her mother sitting on the floor with the dog in her lap. Finding her mum's body had been her worst nightmare but when it happened, she found it beautiful.
We spent a while talking about washing the deceased and there was a large focus on not wanting to wash a naked parent. Draping is the very obvious answer to that and I thought we spent a lot of time on something very minor in the scheme of things.
Ingrid talked about her husband's slow death with dementia, she advocated for palliative care at home and then she said "As Christians, we knew where he was going" She repeated that statement many times over the morning and I couldn't help but think she was there to flog the book or the religion or both. I found it rude and ruder when she made a kerfuffle about her early departure: putting on a jacket, collecting her suitcase and waving goodbye with total indifference to the fact that a deep conversation had been in progress.
It was an interesting morning (for the people watching as much as the subject matter) and I left with a better understanding of what services are available, what options there are and what preparations need to be made.
Death cafe is a world wide movement so there might be one near you.
I never heard of a death cafe, interesting concept. Maybe any person washing an adult would drape as it seems so invasive not to, even if it is not a parent. I do agree with the minister. I wonder what her book was about.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm sure draping would be a standard practice. The book was about her husbands end of life. I bet she managed to work "heaven" in to it a nice number of times
DeleteWhat a brilliant idea. It is something I have never heard of, and I resent the fact that death (which comes to us all) is draped in mystery and often fear.
ReplyDeleteAn acquaintance of mine in Braidwood is heavily involved in setting up Tender Funerals in Canberra and has previously advertised a death cafe in your neck of the woods. Did you see the Australian Story about Tender?
DeleteThere is really a lot to know and I suspect that knowing stuff helps free us from logistics to deak with emotions. Thats what Scarlet is saying, I think
I didn't see that story and will have to investigate. Thank you.
DeleteVery interesting Kylie. A death cafe has been operating in the bigger town 50km from us, but I never went there. Not that I would be afraid of talking about death. It was a critical part of my thesis.
ReplyDeleteThere's always an Ingrid. They are like bulldozers. I figure they don't mean to be annoying, they are just very unaware people.
Even people who are happy to think about death might not go to a cafe but I quite like meeting people in that kind of setting. What was the thesis about?
DeleteIngrid was very polite and all that but yes, unaware.
I've not heard about Death Cafes either - they sound like a very good idea - I wish I had been more prepared when my parents died.
ReplyDeleteSx
They started in the UK in 2011, I think it was. What would be one thing you would want to tell people about death/ funerals etc
DeleteThat you can never be prepared! You won't be yourself when grief hits you - all that flipping admin comes at the wrong time and the authorities expect you to get on with it as though nothing has happened - they are not all sympathetic - and registering the death feels like a race against time. Sorting out funerals - crikey that is hard - and you have to be on the phone an awful lot of the time when all you want to do is hide away.
DeleteSx
yes, it's a lot of admin right when we are least capable of it. There should be trained people and specific phone lines for grief affected people.
DeleteI've never heard of Death Cafes, but I've googled it and there are lots of them in the UK, and a few in my home town. Death has been a taboo subject for decades. None of us like to dwell in it but it's going to happen and it's much better for our loved ones to know exactly how we would like to depart this mortal coil.
ReplyDeleteKaren was very strong on having documentation, including instructions for what kind of care we want if we are unable to express it. She's right of course, even if we know what a person wants, there are legal protections in place
DeleteYes, I've heard of these and was curious but nothing out here on the Edge of that ilk. boy that woman sounded rude tho.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
I found her rude but in that polite way. I dunno, who goes and offers a copy of their probably boring book to a specialist in the subject?
DeleteIs my first comment in your spam folder?
ReplyDeleteyes, it was. I would have found it on my next spam check but that may have been weeks away!
DeleteI'd never heard of death cafes, but I see there's one in Belfast. I don't feel the need to try it out right now, but it's good to know about it should the need arise. I'm totally incapable of planning for my end-of-life, and Jenny doesn't seem bothered, but if I suddenly dropped dead she would probably have a hard time sorting out whatever I leave behind.
ReplyDeleteIncapable of considering your end of life? In what way?
DeleteWhat will happen to your remains? What kind of send off do you want? More importantly, how do you want to be cared for?
I mean giving Jenny all my dozens of passwords, filing (physical) documents in such a way she can find them, showing her where to find things on my computer etc. I couldn't care less what send-off I have, Jenny can do whatever she wants! Right now, I have no need of care but I might do at some later date.
DeleteHalf my comments go in my spam folder too, well not actually in one it just says they aren't published, and I don't realise it!
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of death cafe's either. Sometimes I feel that however much you try to prepare for your death or someone else's, when the times you never feel you've prepared enough or in the right way.
I think you're right. We are never really going to be ready but if some of the practical things have been arranged or discussed, it has to help a little bit
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